Oh how I adored that man. I loved him with everything in my core.
His smile that could make any day a good day. His eyes that filled me with joy and gladness every single morning that I'd wake to them. His laugh that made made me feel new and pure.
His determination. The motivation he gives me, even when it's just a few mumbled words.
"You got this Tom."
And he was right, I did have it. I could collect myself within seconds just being around him.
I knew to always go to his room whenever I felt down.
Sometimes we wouldn't even speak. I'd sit on his window sill and watch him do his homework. And that simple company made me feel whole again.
But he wasn't always a happy guy. The best people always fall the hardest.
He started lying to me. Hiding things. He smiled less, lost the shine in his grey eyes. The change came in slowly, then crashed down on me all at once.
The day he left and never came back to me.
When I finish picking all of the pieces
That's when I'll give up on you
I tried to comfort him after I first noticed even the slightest change in his mood. I'd bring him coffee, let him shower first. I read him books when he couldn't focus long enough to do it on his own. And most importantly... I gave him space when he asked for it.
I never pushed it with him. But I knew something was wrong.
Months into his mood change, he started going out. He'd peek into my room to see if I was asleep and slip right out the front door.
I wouldn't sleep till he came home.
I opted on never confronting him about it.
But fuck... I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
When I finish drowning in my own tears
That's when I'll move on from you.
I was absolutely love struck over this man.
But he'd never know that.
Its not like I didn't show it though. I'd go out of my way every single day for him. I tried my best to show my love for him.
In my head he was mine in all ways.
I don't think I'll ever be able to move on from him. Because not only was he my best friend, he was my first love.
I loved mysteries, until you became one.
I never thought I'd be falling in love with someone like him, oh but I did. I fell so hard the gravel stuck to my skin.
Some days he'd come home in the afternoon. His face would be beaten and bruised.
"Tord?! What the fuck happened to you!"
He'd look at me with sad eyes,
"Nothing."
Truth be told I don't know if we were just for fun
He started pushing me away more, avoiding my affection.
He stopped smiling. Stopped singing in the shower. Never stayed for breakfast.
I knew he was falling apart. And I didn't pry.
And for that I must pay.
It's my fault he didn't come home. It was my fault he gave in to the evil in his own mind.
I didn't try hard enough.
With the tip of this blade
And kisses that fade away
The call from that one beautiful Sunday afternoon I'll never forget.
They used his phone to call, when his contact showed up I felt butterflies. I thought he finally wanted to talk to me.
But when I answered... my whole day turned sour. This is where it all came crashing down on me.
The reality that was his struggle.
"We have a man here in the emergency room, he's barely holding on."
I ran, my legs burning. Tear were shed the whole way down to him.
But I wasn't fast enough.
You loved me, You killed me.
He was gone. Dead. Lifeless.
His hands were cold to the touch.
On the bright Sunday afternoon... I lost my best friend.
It's like the world was trying to comfort me, with blue skies and the smell of summer.
But when people die...It was nothing like you see in the movies. There wasn't grey skies and rain.
Any day could be the day.
Your fire burnt half of my soul
The other half I gave it to you
I lost myself in him long before he left. I gave him everything I had.
It rains but somehow your clothes don't get wet
And I still can't blame you
When he killed himself, he still went with a smile. He left happy.
Tord was hurting right under my nose. And when he finally gave in...I couldn't blame him.
It was obvious I could've done something to prevent it. I didn't try hard enough.
But I will continue to live my life. My life without him. It will never be the same.
