Needing is One Thing

Chapter 8. We all need a light in the dark

Mika stared up at the moon as she leaned on the railing of her balcony. The air was chill, summer stubbornly taking its time to warm up, but she didn't care. She let the cold fill her, wishing it would numb her feelings like it was her hands and arms. She was shivering, but it wasn't from the temperature.

James was out there somewhere, hating her.

She didn't blame him. She supposed she'd been leading him on. James and Andrew, both, without even knowing it. She hadn't meant to but even now she had to admit she liked them, both of them, for different reasons.

There was a knock on her bedroom door and Mika sighed. Erik had already tried to get her to talk to him. She couldn't do it. Even the thought of him calling her a princess when she had been so awful to his brother; it made her want to break down again. She wasn't a princess, she was worthless. She refused to let him in.

The knock sounded again and Mika looked over her shoulder, through the patio door, towards her bedroom door. It wasn't locked; it was part of their agreement as roommates. None of the brothers were allowed to enter without her permission and they all complied with the rule, even now. Mika pushed herself away from the railing and walked towards it.

Matthew had stopped by, too. Trying to bring her some chocolate cake he had made as the boys recovered from the shell shock of her stomping the shit out of James' feelings. Mika couldn't understand why they always talked about girls binge eating after fighting with a guy they liked. The very thought of eating something made her sick to her stomach. She had turned him away, too, without even opening the door.

This time, Mika stopped and leaned her forehead against it. Who is it? Sam? Damien? She wanted James to be on the other side of it but he was gone. She was more sure of that than anything.

"Mika, will you let me in?"

Damien.

Mika closed her eyes and clamped down on the nervous pain in her heart. I can't. I can't face you. Damien was so sweet, so supportive of everyone. He adored James. And she only made herself more of a fool to him as her thoughts betrayed her, even without him in the room.

Mika felt and heard a brush against the door on the other side from where her forehead rested, imagined his fingers running over the wood.

"Please," he whispered.

She blinked and the tears she had hoped were finished, escaped, running down her cheeks. She wanted to open the door, wanted to pretend she didn't deserve to be alone.

"Please, open the door," Damien pleaded softly.

Mika ran her hand over the wood between them, down, let her fingers turn the knob and stepped back. Damien quickly came inside, locking the door behind him before sweeping her into a hug.

Mika broke down completely.

At some point he swept her up as he had that first night they'd met. Carrying her in his arms, he laid her on her bed and lay down next to her, holding her close, letting her rest against his chest. He didn't say anything. Mika was more grateful for that than for anything in the world.

Instead, she just let her thoughts go, knowing Damien was listening, thankful he was with her. She didn't deserve his comfort.

His eldest brother was right; she had thought James would strike her.

There wasn't a time that Mika's father hadn't disciplined her for her own stupidity, for not being worthy, for not trying harder, for not doing better, for not being what he wanted her to be. Who he thinks I should be. David Anderson's anger, his displeasure at his daughter, was conveyed through his fists and words for even the littlest things. And Mika would take it. She deserved it.

When she had yelled at her father over her grandfather's death, it was the first time in a long time that she stood up to him. She had been proud of herself. But at the first sign of conflict, she became the crying little girl she was, again. In front of James, of all people.

And James saw exactly what she was doing. I couldn't have insulted him more. He was the most caring guy she'd ever met, taking care of her as he did, and she had completely disregarded it, acting as if it was nothing.

My feelings are stronger than you'll ever know.

James had feelings for her. She had been too blind to notice.

...than you'll ever know.

He wasn't going to share them with her. She'd lost her chance.

I'm leaving.

James hadn't even looked back at her before he left. He's gone.

Mika's cheeks burned in shame and she gripped Damien's shirt, sobbed into the soft fabric, her body shaking. His arms curled around her, holding her safe, warming her. Eventually, exhaustion over-took Mika and she fell asleep, tears still falling in her dreams.

Damien held her throughout the night. 

*

Author's Notes

Abuse is a terrible thing to live with and through. You do not deserve it. No one does. But it's hard to learn that and remember it when you're going through it.

Over time, you can recover from it.

Sorry this chapter was so short.