Tim sat on the edge of the hotel bed with his head in his hands.
The crisp, clean covers hugging the mattress were disturbed only on one side, where Jay was sleeping soundly.
Why did I do it?
Tim's heart raced in panicked embarrassment.
How could he have done what he did to his one and only friend? The only friend that he trusted, that he understood?
Last night, Tim reflected, he had remorselessly and relentlessly taken advantage of Jay. Tim had touched the other man when he was hurt and weak - and Tim knew Jay hadn't wanted it. But he had not stopped - Tim swallowed the dryness in his throat - until he himself was satisfied.
I am disgusting.
Tim knew that he could not control the monster that was growing inside him. The black, faceless tar which so hungrily clawed at his insides would not let him go. He was victim to the beast that was now trying to take Jay - though Tim wanted so desperately to stop it.
Jay snored ever-so-softly, and stirred around in the covers. Tim glanced at him, eyes bleary from lack of sleep. Despite the residual paleness, Jay looked a lot better. Last time Tim saw him, Jay had been a mess. Bruises and cuts covered had covered his body, and the ashy-paleness of his skin had almost made Tim sick.
Alone.
Tim had left Jay alone to fend for himself, against the same demons that plagued his own life.
Tim had wanted to protect Jay, and for some reason thought they could survive together.
But he blew it. He had taken what little trust they had and smashed it to pieces.
Damnit.
What if the mask comes back while I'm with him?
Tim thought suddenly, horror growing in his gut.
What if I did something even worse?!
Tim tugged at his own hair, damp from the shower he had just taken. He was dangerous to Jay. And he valued his life more than his own. For some reason, when he was around the innocent man, the evil inside him got more vicious. It wanted Jay, to say the least. Tim couldn't deny that he wanted him a little, too. But it wasn't good - he was no good - he had to leave. Run. Hide.
Again.
It would be the same as before, but he'd go far, far away from Jay. Then they would be safe, finally. Lonely, perhaps...but safe.
Jay tossed again and Tim stood up with sudden urgency. He'd have to leave before Jay woke up. He couldn't bear to see the face Jay would make when he remembered the events of last night.
And the other times too...when I was wearing the mask...
He had settled it. Without another thought Tim was out the door and into the parking lot, passing by a piece of paper that clung wetly to the rain-soaked ground. He got into his car, and drove away.
He didn't care to think of where he was going.
OOO
When Jay awoke, he was very aware of the silence.
The room was empty.
He could have sworn he had seen Tim's hunched-over form on the edge of the bed minutes ago. Or had he been dreaming?
Rolling slowly out of the covers, Jay shook the sleepy numbness out of his limbs. He shortly savored the feeling of soft carpet beneath his toes. Tim hadn't slept last night, apparently. The sheets were mostly untouched. He mustn't have gotten back into bed after...after that happened...
