A Letter For A Heartbreaker.
Dear Czekiel Gustano,
Hey there Bud! I'm actually trying to come up with the right words to say but I can't think of anything... so I thought it would be better to just write it, wondering if you'd be able to read this someday 'cause I know I won't be sending this letter to you anyway.
Let's just say that this is the only secret I'll never share with you.
Czekiel. Zekie boy. ZK. Kiel. Gust or Zeke. Doesn't matter how many nicknames you've got, because for me, you'll always be the Czekiel Gustano I met years ago.
I know you're a heartbreaker, you hate commitments, relationships and "shits-like-those" like how you describe them in your own words. But I'm thankful that you've committed yourself to me---as your best buddy. I'm grateful for all the time we spent together, for all the secrets we kept and shared with each other. Every minute with you is worth while. And I hoped for something more than what we had, I secretly hoped that I was the one you'd be willing to commit your whole life with, but then reality ruined that hope of mine when your Mom told you that you should end up with me which you answered with... "I would never include Via in my list of women, she's my bestfriend." You said those words right in front me and even asked me to agree when you said that I felt the same way, that I would never fall for someone like you. I guess you were right... I would never fall for someone like you 'cause I've already fallen in love with you. Did you know much it hurts seeing you with different women? I was thinking if you'd ever feel the same way if I go out on a date with other men, which I did. You were so protective that I thought to myself 'Oh yes finally, maybe he is starting to feel something special for me.' I was trying to make you jealous. I was just waiting for you to tell me how you truly feel about me going out with other guys. I was waiting for you to say the magic words that I need to hear but you know what broke my heart? When you said that I should be with a good guy because that's the kind of guy I deserve. Then the next thing you did was introduced me to this good guy friend of yours. Don't you get it? I don't need a good guy in my life, in fact I don't need any guy, I just need you and it doesn't matter if you're one of the good ones or not, all that matters is it's you. It has to be you.
Then one day I woke up realizing that it wouldn't be a bad thing if I will be the first one to confess my feelings to you. I asked you to come over to our favorite fast food restaurant where we used to hang-out when we were kids, you even asked me what was the occasion and I just said that it was a very special day. You came over, I instantly smiled and waved my hand when I saw you outside of the building, you smiled back, entered the place and sat in front of me then asked me "What's this all about?" And I just smiled like a fool because I was so nervous. I asked myself if I would be able to do it and I just decided that I should... just so you'd know. I kind of half expected your answer. "Via, you're just a friend to me, if there's anything more than that then it's best friend right? I never imagine you... us--" I looked away storming out of that place because I didn't want to hear you say that you never, in your whole life, think of me as someone who could be more than just a friend to you.
You know what was running inside my head during those times? I was thinking who's luckier? Was it me who was there with you since we were kids or those women who had slept with you, those women whom you have given an ample amount of your attention. I think if I was given the chance, I'll just choose to be one of those women. Do you even know how hard it is to look at someone and wish he was yours? Bet you didn't, women fall over your feet, always begging to be loved by you and I was no exception. It was you who made an exception, it was so unfair because you can be with any woman you want except me. What's the difference with me? Because I know for sure I'd do anything just to pass your standards. I can be anyone you want me to be, I was willing to be anything that I'm not just to be with you. God knows how much I wanted to be with you and until now I still can't find the answers as to why it wasn't me, why can't it be me? It's just so unfair feeling this way when I know you're just out there somewhere, not giving a damn about how I feel, not caring 'cause my feelings doesn't concern you. You don't do shits like these, right? You don't di shits like me. That's what you made me feel, like a worthless piece of shit. You really are a heartbreaker.
How could you even do something like this? You... breaking my heart into thousand pieces and every damn piece hurts so much that I just want to be numb. But you know what amazes me the most? It's how you still make me love you with all the broken pieces of me... of my heart, as disgusting as this may sound to you, I am still amaze at how you can make this stupid broken heart of mine beat for you with just the mere mention of your name.
This is hopeless that I'm starting to question my existence, why did I even exist if it wasn't for you? I tried loving other men, God knows I tried so hard, but they will always fail my expectations, they're nothing compared to you. Maybe that's the thing, there's no other you in this world. But still I tried searching for that person who can make me fall in love again, deeper than what I've felt for you or maybe just someone who can recreate the feeling I had when I was with you. I was desperate to feel anything for anyone I've been with and yet none of them ever made me feel the same way that you did.
Sometimes I ask God if I did anything bad in my previous life that he decided to punish me with this kind of fate, to love someone who can never love me in return. My desperation only lead me to this realization... that I would never love anyone as much as I love you. People tell us that we shouldn't settle for less, that we should be with the best. I tried not settling for one but the best thing never thought of me as his best thing, just his best friend. Just that.
I guess I'll just live like this everyday, waiting in vain. It doesn't matter how many women you have been with or you'll be with. All that matters to me is that when you're tired of all the games you play, when you're tired being with different women everyday and when you're tired of not feeling "shits-like-those", you know you can just come see me and tell me I was right all along, you know where to find me. You know that you just have to knock on my door and I'd be accepting you with all the love I can give and I will love you with whatevers left of what you could give. But only until then will I truly be happy.
Love,
Via
