Speaking from the heart || Spilled Thoughts

With the coming of spring, I call for you.

You leave during winter, comeback during spring and during your absence I miss you.

. . . 

Outside, the park is quiet except for the sound of the breeze that rustles the naked branches of the trees making them creak the way floorboards do when walked on. My window, cracked open at the top, lets the air flow in and caress my body from my cheeks to my chest, the coldness, provoking a shiver, raises the hairs on my arms and brings a rosy flush to my face. 

I  close my eyes, breathe in the scent of the moist grass, a sweet souvenir from yesterdays storm, and gather the thick sheets up to my neck. With my head resting on my knees I recall the day you handed me a single red rose, that cold November morning was very much like tonight only the flower, sitting in a vase on my desk, has wilted away. Behind me the tick of a clock can be heard, sometimes loud, sometimes soft, counting the seconds, minutes, hours I am away from you. 

A gentle sigh escapes me and as the air clouds the glass, I slowly write your name. 

Do you remember the first time we met? I remember it, clear as day. You were on a stage singing a gentle tune and I could only remember how the sweetness of your voice made its way into my heart burrowing itself into the tiniest of corners. I kept my back turned to you, not wanting that feeling to ever go away but all too soon you stopped and by the time I had the courage to turn around, you were gone. The days that followed were the hardest I had ever had to experience, but at least now, without you by my side, the memories keep me warm and hold me together. 

What I didn't know was that you had been searching for me too. So I guess you could say that the second first time we met was when we were strolling down one of Busan's beaches when we came face to face and the feelings in my chest started to vibrate violently, threatening to break out. 

I remove my finger from the window and smile.

I think you could see how far gone I was because you hesitantly took my hand, tugged me forward and told me you'd been counting the days 'till you saw that quiet girl again. I had no air in my lungs, my hand was shaking in yours and as I slowly met your eyes, I saw the stars. I saw the universe, the future, the past, the goodness, the pureness of your being and suddenly I was a calm sea, I did not tremble and I could breathe again.

A snowflake landed on the windowsill, watching it melt made me yearn for spring, for it was when you'd come back to me. I hated it when you were gone, like Demeter for Persephone, I called for you and my heart mourned your absence. Do you think of me when you're gone? Off on those adventures with your friends, am I a heavy anchor you want to cut loose? I know you care for me but the seeds of doubt have been planted by the jealousy of others and I hated them for it. I hated the way they twisted my feelings and distorted reality, confusing me, but one listen to you - your voice clears everything and I know where I belong.

The snow was falling lightly now, the moon reflected on the crystals made them shine brighter than they really were. As the cold was starting to numb my skin, I reached up and closed the window letting it fall shut with a soft thud. The clock was no longer ticking, I suppose it had stopped working a while ago, or maybe it had never worked at all, I can't seem to remember.

I see an old man outside walking his dog, I think about why he would do that at this time of night, out in the cold by himself and I think that maybe he hasn't got anybody and that amplifies the emptiness in my chest. If you do not come back will I end up like that? I cannot imagine life without you, without the feel of your fingertips on my spine and your smile on my lips. The never ending happiness I feel when I'm with you.

The bed sheets are a mess, all bunched up around me, I smooth them out, and retrace your name on the window, letting out another sigh. I miss you. As I lay my head on the pillow I try not to think about the nights left until we meet again and when I sleep I dream about the coming of spring and the blooming of cherry blossoms. The darkness won't last forever and when I see you again, you'll hand me a new rose to replace the old and I'll be whole once more.

Until then, I'll wait for you.