Mistakes

Anxiety Attack

I just stood there barely holding in the tears, refusing to cry in front of Jared. I couldn't find the strength to speak until moments later.

" Please. Leave." I said quietly trying to keep my voice from cracking, I was so angry. He left milliseconds after the word escaped my mouth.

Once I heard the shop door close I shut the door to my workshop and locked it. He knows. My life is ruined. Thoughts kept racing through my head, faster than light, faster than anything known to humanity. Each one worse then last. I grabbed my head, the cloth of my hijab in between my fingers. I felt all the tears, the screaming, the pain building up inside begging to be let out. I could feel my heart pounding under the pressure of the attack. My breathing rapid and uneven. My knees buckling under all the weight of my fears, I fell to the ground.

I can't do this. Calm down. I can't do this. You are being irrational. My mind was at war with itself  the attack trying to break the barrier keeping the screams and tears and panic from escaping. I couldn't keep it in, I wasn't strong enough to fight the attack, because the attacks were always stronger than me. The attacks always knew exactly how to break me.

I let out a long sob and I fell to my knees, long hideous wails escaping my throat. I felt like oxygen was being taken from my lungs, I felt my heart pounding. My stomach was being tied into knots, I didn't know what to do. My fingers were numb, my legs useless. I was so scared.

I tried to stand up, but the attack pushed me on to the floor, it took the air away from me, it took away the feeling in my limbs. When the attack was in full control, I saw the pills laying on the floor, and the attack got worse. My tears streamed down my face, I tried to wipe them away,but they just kept coming. Soon, I was gripping my hijab refusing the urge to pull it off and tear out my hair.

I stared at the pills. They're gone. How am I supposed to stay calm. Its ok just call your dad he will go and pick up new ones. He is going to be so mad, what if he refuses to buy more? I stared at them for hours silently sobbing to myself, clutching my invisible scars.

Another attack, and like always I lost.