Mister Sandman

Chapter 1 Revelations

The baby is crying for my boss's brown HP sauce but the school eats the dinner. The hunting dog with the big tits closed the basket with the ashtray. It was midnight. Something was falling from the sky. Like a shooting star. But brighter than any shooting star. Then as sudden as it appeared, it disappeared. Then reappeared again motionless...sinister. This was no shooting star. Screams of tormented souls that sent chills down your spine filled the night. An image was appearing. Very faint at first but was getting more vivid by the second. Then it was there. It was huge. It was a big naked arse. As big as a house but floating about 20 feet off the ground. Motionless. But not motionless for long. It started what looked like twerking at first but it wasn't. It took a big shit on a clothes recycling bank. Then it shot off. Never to be seen again. But the nightmare just began. A sock made its way out of the recycling bank and through all the shit. Crawling slowly it made its way to the first house, went through the letter box and up the stairs into Mike's bedroom. Mike was only seven years old. Then the sock took a shit in Mike's mouth. Poor Mike. His neighbour saw everything but didn't want to interfere. What a fucking neighbour! Mike never forgot that night. That's why when he was old enough he shat in a sock and he started a business selling milk with bottles hanging from clothes hangers and he never ate nachos. He was a very successful businessman. Actually everything he did was a success. That's because he followed the "Three Golden Rules". His father taught him the rules and father before him.
The Three Golden Rules were as follows:
1. When someone says "What?" you have to reply with "Open so I can shit inside"
2. If you hear a can horn you have to shout "Blowjobs"
3. When someone says "Alright" you have to say "Taxi and radio"
But he never took a shit in lettuce. He knew that was bad manners. He knew that the arsehole...the true arsehole...the real arsehole, is the arsehole of the mind. The arsehole of the soul. Plank of wood. The business was a partnership. His partner was none other than Sloth from the goonies. Sloth in real life wore suits and was well spoken and always very polite. Apart from when he attended football matches. When he watched football he had a tendency to pick his nose and wipe it on the person in front of him. The weird thing about this interesting turn of events is that a crocodile will never forget what the name of the inspector was when he was trying to fix the drain. Inspector gadget was not impressed. He wanted to press charges but Tony Soprano had him whacked. He's sleeping with the fishes now. By the end of the night his dad was lying on the floor with a vest on. When asked why he was wearing a vest he said it's because of the trolls. It was like nothing made sense. Mike stopped at a convenience store to buy his wife an anniversary card. He was still in love with her. After all these years. He couldn't believe his luck that he was married to suck a beautiful moron. He chose a card. It had a nice poem inside. It read :

When you take this thing
You will warm up this thing
When you shit on this thing
You will fart on this thing
And when this thing gets jealous
This thing will cry
This thing hasn't got legs
It hasn't got eyes
It hasn't got a pomegranate
It hasn't got hands
It cannot clap
But it's got a sticky arse

As Mike went to pay, the cashier yelled "SMELL MY BELLY BUTTON! SMELL MY BELLY BUTTON!".  Mike said " I don't want to. I just want to buy this card".  The cashier said, with almost tears in his eyes "The card is free but please smell my belly button". Mike turned around and walked out of the store while the cashier sobbed.
Plank of wood.
When Mike walked in the house he said to his wife "oh Anna of the snow, I won't be with you anymore on the 9th of December when it's also your name day". But her name wasn't Anna. Her name  as me was Samantha.
The following day started like any other. It was misty and chilli. Mike was telling the story about the bearded man to Samantha. It was about something that happened the previous week. He said to his wife " I was a frog. We were having a drink, having a laugh until the gay man with the beard showed up. He punched me twice point blank. I will find the gay bearded man, I will grab his head and bang it on the pavement. I admit it. I was drunk. But did I look drunk? No I didn't". Mike's wife was sobbing. " Stop it Mike. Stop it or I'm leaving you. You know damn well that never happened. It's all because of the affair. Isn't it. ISN'T IT?!  I can't do it anymore Mike. I'm leaving you. First thing in the morning I'm taking the kids and going to my mum. I'm sorry Mike". Mike was confused. What kids? Did he have kids? He realised he didn't. In fact he didn't even have a wife. How could he? Mike was a giraffe.