Mister Sandman

Chapter 3 The Reluctant Vampire

The baby's mother farted. On the baby. Jim was late again. He knew he was going to get a bollocking from Robert. His boss didn't like being called Robbie. But Jim used to call him Robbie just to piss him off. Ever since Robert accused him of stealing his eggs. Robert had two eggs but he thought he had four and he blamed Jim. He was shouting at Jim "YOU TOOK MY EGGS! YOU TOOK MY EGGS YOU SELFISH LITTLE SHIT!" and then Robert remembered "Oh. Actually I only had two eggs. Sorry Jim." But Jim never forgot about that. He didn't even like working at the restaurant but he had bills to pay. Especially since he was a vegetarian and didn't like serving people dead animals. He was going to make it one day. His song "The Animals" never quite made it. It only made it to chart position 289. It was a major hit in Middle Earth but the success never crossed into our own realm. It went like this

Toilet flush
Beavis and Butthead
Monkey
Be a vegetarian. Save the animals
Yes!
They are earths children too
They feel pain too
The animals. The animals. The animals. The animals. The animals.
They hurt too
Put the murderer's knife on your neck
I see blood.
I see pain (ouch)
I see fur coats
I'm fine mate
The animals. The animals. The animals. The animals. The animals.
I can't take the butchery
The screams of pain
The murderer kills them in cold blood without any resistance
They can't talk but they feel pain
The animals. The animals. The animals. The animals. The animals.
I don't want ham, halloumi, cheese sandwich anymore
I just want halloumi and cheese

The hobbits loved it. Plank of wood. Jim walked in the restaurant and Robert was there waiting for him. "Jimmy. Check this out" Robert said excitedly. Jim followed him. There was a tank with live lobsters. "We're doing lobsters now!" said Robert with a big smile on his face. Mike was in that tank. He could see the two humans having a conversation through the tank. He couldn't hear what they were saying. If he could, would he even understand, he wondered. Then the conversation got heated. There was shouting and arms waving about. Then he saw what seemed like a giant's hands reach in the tank and grab him. Jim pulled Mike out of the tank and screamed at Robert "I'm not letting you do this Robbie. I'm saving this lobster". He ran out of the shop and was shouting "I've got a lobster. I've got a lobster" in a squeaky voice while running holding Mike under his arm. Jim ran in an alley and hid behind some bins. He farted. Mike said "Oh what a nice feeling that is when you fart. Oh what a nice feeling. I miss it". Jim said "You can talk!" "Of course I can talk" said Mike. "why wouldn't I?" Jim said "I don't know. I just assumed you couldn't". They heard sobbing from behind them. It was the tin man. He wasn't happy because there was a kebab on his birthday cake. He said after Dorothy left, everything went to shit. Snow White and Alice from wonderland were living in an underground parking lot. They were addicted to meth. "Follow the yellow brick road if you want the kingdom" said the tin man. What did he mean? The shirt of the blind man was not buttoned so they assumed he was not blind because it was a bag for life. Plank of wood with splinters. The cows were sleeping. The stars were dancing. The moon was alive. Mike was testing Jim. He liked vindaloo. His previous job was eating vindaloo undercover. The flowers were dying as a result of public prosecutions. He remembered his past life. He was a gay painter in France in 1458. He wasn't entirely sure if he was gay but he was a French painter wearing a beret so there was a good chance. God was speaking to him through his paintings. He wanted to have a shit but he thought he might die if he had done so. The mayor killed him. Nobody ever found out. Mike was starting to remember his current life. He had a twin brother. Ned. They never knew their mother because she left before they were born. The boing was consisting of a Boeing and a Concorde. Mike and Ned never got on. Where was Ned anyway? From a very young age there was always tension. They knew only one of them would inherit the kingdom. Mike knew he had to go now. He thanked Jim and was on his way. He had a purpose now. The kingdom. He had to find the yellow brick road. He was tired. He made his way to the nearest lake with a record player and slept. He had a premonition. He was in a solid black sphere. About the size of a car. There were cracks in the sphere. He was the size of an atom. The cracks in the sphere were like a maze. He was travelling at the speed of light but couldn't escape the maze. For hours he was trying but to no avail. He was visited that night by Thor and Jesus. "Mike. Listen to us. You're a human. If you want the kingdom, go to hell. Go to hell Mike".  Mike woke up. He was human! He thought "Hang on. What was that all about?"  So he said "Hang on. What was that all about?". He started walking when he came across a bar called "hell". It made sense now. He walked in and he saw a mysterious man sitting in the corner by himself. Mike walked towards him. The man looked at him. "Hello Mike. I've been expecting you. My name is Morpheus."  He had a blue pill and a red pill. Mike thought "This guy's weird." He said "No I'm alright mate. Thanks anyway". Morpheus said " Oh come on man. I've got sausage rolls as well if you're interested". Mike walked away. He walked to the bar and asked the barman if he knew where the yellow brick road was. The barman said "My grandmother, the nice one, has chickens in the yard. Chickens and chicks. Geese and goslings. Follow me and don't forget the toaster". The camera was inside the bulletproof vest. The policeman liked to read the yellow pages. Mike followed the barman down the basement. There was a door. Mike walked through it. The Pale Man pointed him to the right direction. Before he knew it, he was in a maze. It was cold. "Winter is here" he thought. It was raining. It was snowing. It was watering the marbles. The cat was cooking and the mouse was dancing under the table. He knew if he could find his way out of the maze, the kingdom would be his. He could hear someone else in the maze. They were both running. As he ran around a corner, there was Ned. "How is this possible?" he screamed. "Why are you here Ned?" Ned said "you know why". A force was pushing him towards Ned. Just as he thought he was about to feel Ned's skin touch his own skin, he started to fuze with Ned. He remembered everything. He wasn't a lobster. He wasn't a giraffe. He wasn't human. He didn't even exist. He was Ned's other personality. Ned had developed a split personality to cope with the stress of harvesting orchids for chimps. Mike was that personality. Ned walked towards the exit of the maze. He felt the sun on his face. The snow was gone. The cold was gone. It was summer....and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely grey couch. "Oh look" cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever.

The End