Articles Of Life

I Survied It

...

You may be wondering by the title what did I survive. A car crash? Sickness? In some ways I guess sickness could be one word to describe it. It all depends on how you look at it. 

   Depression. Anxiety.

I only have to say those two words and I would bet any money I know what your thinking right now. Your probably right about what your thinking too, because so many people face those two words every single day and all of us with it have similarities. We all have different reasons for what's causing it, but we all go through the same motions. 

  Denial. Pain. Covering it up. Stressed. Scared. Are just some of the words that can be used. 

   For me it was a mix of bullying at school, family issues, and body image issues. Those are quite the common three you can find someone struggle with, but does that make it any easier? Not one fucking bit. 

   I would miss school for being sick and be terrified to go back after two days because I know I'd hear shit about it from other students/teachers. I wouldn't fall asleep at night. I would literally lay down and stare at my ceiling till 6am, never once falling asleep. My mom would wake up and come to wake me up and see me like that. Asking if I slept at all or if I'm okay. Of course the answer to her was always "Yes I'm Fine", but I bet we all know the truth right? I would stay up all night long because my mind wouldn't shut up and let me sleep. The constant thoughts of "not good enough" along with multiple others, haunted my mind. 

Anxiety makes you think to much. Overthinking ruined a lot for me. The constant battle of "I could do this, but then this would happen or this or this". Also the fear of having to talk to anyone I'm not used to, the fear of thinking every single person in a room is judging me. 

 This went on for a year or so. Don't get me wrong I still struggle with it and I will for the rest of my life, but 2014 was the worst time in my life. If I'm being honest I did go through a period of harming myself and wanting to end it. I thought of every way I could end it.... But I could never go through with it. No matter how miserable I was, I was too worried about everyone else if I did end it. I never wanted someone to feel any kind of pain like I had been feeling daily.

  Pretty much all of that time of my life is a blur in some ways. I know I spent majority of time locked away in my room, but even then its hard to think back and remember something other than the bad parts. 

   So here's the deal. Here I am years later, graduating, about to move away for college. I don't want to be cliche, but it does get better. There is no trick to making it better or anything. You just live, go through life and try not the let those words run it and you'll be okay. Your only human though so believe me you will have your bad days, but don't let them have a rule over you. 

Find your happiness and strive in that. Everything else will follow