Just a bunch of letters.

I'm not okay without you.

     It's times like this when I miss you the most. Sitting in my room, listening to sad songs on Youtube while doing "homework". 

    I was completely fine when I could see you half the year. I was okay being away from you for six months each year because I knew you'd still be there for me. We would still hang out every week, or sometimes even every day. If I ever felt stressed, angry, bored, or anything imaginable, I could just drive those three miles to your house. Sadly I can't drive to your house anymore. Psychically I can, it's just a matter of you not being there anymore. I don't think I'll ever get over that.

     I don't get teary eyed when I drive passed the road to your house on my way to school anymore. Mainly, because I have forced myself not to think about it anymore. I drown out my thoughts with the radio. Sometimes I can go a week or two without thinking that I'm passing the way to get to your house. But then it just hits me. I hate it. I don't like thinking about how you're not here anymore. The sudden "she's gone" realization I constantly have. Sometimes it's really annoying. It has been 225 days and I still have to remind myself that I can't go to your house.

     I guess in a way it's a good thing that I forget that you aren't here. I'm not thinking about it 24/7 anymore like I used to. 

     My life is pretty good. School is good, things with  my parents are okay, and my relationship with my boyfriend couldn't be better. If anything he's my best friend now. I mean yeah I have friends, but none of them are as close as we were. Josh (my boyfriend) is a close runner up. Primarily because we've been dating for a year.

    Gosh I will never forget how ecstatic you were when I told you he asked me out. I think you were happier than I was. And that's saying something.

     I miss being able to tell you everything that happened to me. Hearing your stories about your mom, school, and your step dad. I wish we could go back to making forts and talking for hours. I miss everything we did. Even the times when we would throw our vegetables out the window. Or going to mall in all black during summer because we were "cool". I don't enjoy hanging out with my other friends nearly as much. Not to mention I don't hang out with my other friends as much. Mostly Josh. He kind of understands why I get into funks when I start thinking about you, but he doesn't understand how connected we were. 

     I never thought you'd have this great of an impact on me. I miss you. I just want my best friend to come back. I know you won't be able to, but that wont stop me from wanting.

    I need you. I don't know how I've gone this far without you. I miss you.