For Him

Broken

Waking up the day after the fight was terrible. My eyes were swollen shut from crying for hours, and my white pillow shams were covered in the stains from my mascara. The constant dull hum of pain was still there; it hadn't stopped since I heard him say that he was done. My eyes began to tear up again just thinking about him and the fight. I have no idea if I'm going to survive this. He was everything to me. He was my first love, my first time, and most importantly my best friend. I relied on him daily for his support, his advice, and just him in general. This guy was there when nobody else was. He listened to me talk about my family issues; he knew almost everything about me. He didn't look at me and see all of my flaws; it was like he saw me as a real person and not some foolish girl.  I knew I couldn't lay here and wallow in my sadness all day. As much as my heart was breaking, I had to keep up appearances. I was supposed to be perfect and poised at church with my family. None of them knew what happened, so I had to make sure that I seemed okay. 

I sat in the service as quiet as a mouse. I clapped at the right times, sang along to the hymnals, and I smiled as people approached me, but I wasn't truly present. My mind was miles away with him. I kept checking my phone like a maniac, hoping he had responded to any of my messages since last night.  I felt as if I was screaming at a brick wall every time I sent a new message. These would go unanswered just like the rest of them.  A small whimper fell from my lips, and my aunt and cousin turned to me. They were silently scolding me, and suddenly; I couldn't handle being here. I jumped from the pew and quickly walked out of the church. I ran to my car as soon as I was outside, and once I was inside the tears came. I cried so hard that I was shaking, and I couldn't stop. Him leaving had left a hole in me, and each time I thought of me and him, it was ripped open again. As much as I was forcing myself to stop, I couldn't stop thinking about him. How we met, our friendship, us getting together, everything. Each memory burned brighter than the last, and slowly I let them pull me under.