Dear Diary,
When I was little I had lots of physical versions of these things. I never kept up with them. They were either lost or completely forgotten. I plan to keep up with this one. I'm starting this in my sixth period physics class. It's currently 1:13 on a Monday afternoon. To be completely honest I hate this class with a passion.
It is full of the most ghetto people ever. This whole school is ghetto. I will probably have to finish this entry at home. I have Honors Algebra next and that teacher is strict when it comes to phones. They can't even be sitting on our desks. At least once I get home I can give a full run down of my day. I'd rather be at school than home though. I never feel at home there so I'm not gonna call it home.
One day I hope I can find a place to actually call home. I have a few years to go until I'm able to move out. I'm fourteen now but I turn fifteen in September. So technically I only have three years. I can't wait for these three years to pass. Class is ending soon. I'll continue this when I get "home" later today.
It's now 3:41 pm and I'm sitting the parking lot of my dad's PT (physical therapy) place. He has to do PT because he hurt his shoulder at work and got surgery done on it in December. I'm trying to do math work but it's clearly not going well. Even with my 5 Seconds of Summer music blasting through my headphones, I'm still struggling to concentrate. Sitting here is better than being at "home".
I have a U in my physics class which means I'm failing it hardcore. My mom is absolutely pissed that I'm failing. Science was never one of my stronger subjects. Plus when will I ever need to use wave lengths in my everyday day life? It's hard to concentrate when your mind is millions of miles away. There is a thousand others I wish I was doing but I'm stuck in physics class.
I wish it wasn't required to have certain credits to graduate. Students clearly do better in different subjects. No one is the same. Schools fail to see that. There is this girl in my first period who can draw amazingly. But she never gets to showcase it at school. The public school system sucks. At school kids are forced to sit in rows nice and neat. We have to raise our hand to talk. We get a twenty minute lunch break.
And we are constantly told what to think. God forbid if you have imagination. Thats why our generation is constantly on their phones. On our phones we can think like ourselves. We aren't told what to do and we have freedom to express ourselves.
That's another thing. We can't express ourselves in school. Between dress codes and the bull shit things we can get written up for there is absolutely no freedom. Dress codes are absolutely, one hundred percent, bull shit. I understand if you don't want to see a girls ass hanging out of her shorts. But if I wanna wear jeans with rips on the knee I either have to wear leggings underneath or cover the holes with tape. And my shoulder have to be covered at all times. All so other people don't get "distracted". If you get distracted by my knees or my shoulders, that's creepy and a personal issue.
Girls get all different types of shit for "being hormonal" one week out of the month. But then we are constantly told what to wear because a guy can't control his hormones every day out of the damn year. Like we can send people up to the fucking moon but girls can't show their shoulders because some guy will cum all over himself if he sees them. That's basically saying that boys are more entitled to their education than girls.
Making me go home and change or cover up my body so guys don't get "distracted" is saying that they deserve their education more than I do. Which is stupid. If I can't wear jeans with holes in the knees can I at least wear sweatpants? Also if a guy can walk around school with the waistband of his pants around his knees then why can't I show my knees? I mean he is showing his entire ass. Wouldn't that be distracting to us girls? I guess not cause they never get yelled at or told to pull up their pants.
Speaking of pants it's way to hot to be wearing jeans where I am. I wanna go "home" and put some shorts on but at the same time I don't wanna go "home". Just the thought of going home makes me feel horrible.
I finally learned to love myself as a whole. And then I went to the doctors. They said I had a blood clot disorder, I was at a risk for diabetes and something else. Suddenly I need to drop all this weight. I've never felt so self conscious. I'm constantly criticized because of what I eat, how I dress and my weight in general. When someone says something I pretend like it doesn't hurt me, but it does.
So now I'm completely insecure and I hate who I am. But I'm fine. I have to be. I'm ending this now at 8:50 pm because I'm on my WII playing Just Dance and trying to lose some weight. I have to become skinny somehow. I love each and every one of you reading this. Goodnight.
