Dear Diary,
I'm not doing great. I've cut again. I can't help it though. I've felt like crap and I feel even worse today. I brought my grade up a little in physics. I went from a U to a D. But that's still not good enough for my dad. I don't think I'll ever be good enough for him.
After I told him that my grade is now a D and I'm officially passing he said 'it's only a D? That's not any better than the U.' So I told him I'll continue working on it and try to bring it up to a C. He said 'why not a B? It's shouldn't have been a U in the first place.' He then basically said if I actually tried I wouldn't be where I am now.
And then my mom decided to make a comment about my weight. She told me it wouldn't kill me to 'drop some of that weight.' I'm trying. I'm cutting back on so many foods already and I'm exercising a lot more. But that's not good enough. Maybe I'll start skipping meals to help loose weight. Then she might be happy.
I'm trying hard not to cry. Between home and school, I never really catch a break. I'm constantly working my ass off in school to get decent grades and when I get home, I get verbally pushed around. If I try to argue back I just get in trouble. I guess I technically have depression. I also think I have insomnia. I have most of the symptoms
but I'm afraid to bring it up to someone.
I have trouble falling asleep at night. It takes me an hour to about two hours to fall asleep. I wake up various times throughout the night and I'm usually up before my mom comes in to wake me. I'm usually up an hour to half an hour earlier than normal. I'm still tired during the day and I never feel well rested. I struggle to stay awake during my morning periods but after lunch I get some energy. I'm getting a lot more irritable and I'm a lot more depressed. I can't focus in my classes anymore and I'm constantly making mistakes in my classes.
It's terrible. I hate this but there's not much I can do about it. I don't wanna bring it up to my mom cause she'll tell my dad and he'll probably yell at me saying that I can't sleep because I'm constantly on my phone. He'd say it while he's scrolling through his Facebook too. I'm tired of constantly feeling like he wants to get rid of me. I'm tired of being me. I want to get good grades and have my parents be proud of me.
My mom always says she's proud of me but now I feel like she's only saying that so I don't stress and I focus on my work. I wish I could be like my sister. She always had good grades and was a good kid. She moved to California a few years ago and she's doing amazing. She moved to go to school there. She didn't go right away and while she was waiting she got a job at In'n'Out burger. And she's currently dominating life. Her work is sending her to college for management. She's working her ass of and she's doing something that a mother should be proud of her daughter for doing.
I'm not doing anything special. I never have. My dad always makes me feel terrible about myself no matter what I do. And my mom just sticks up for him saying that's how he shows he cares. If that's him showing he cares then I shouldn't be ending the day wanting to crawl into my bed and close my eyes and not open them again. But I'll continue to go through each day like I'm this strong woman, who is gonna do great things with her life. Faking a smile is easier said then done.
I have to go shower soon. I love each and every one of you reading this. Be strong.
