My Supernatural Life.

Lazarus Rising

June 17th 2008

Tomorrow, it will be one month. One month without my best friend. One month of trying to figure out how to get Dean back. I have prayed to Cas, but he hasn't answered me. I am losing hope in that feathery winged dick. I tried to call Sam last week to check on him, but he hasn't been answering. I haven't heard from him since we buried Dean. It has been even harder because Bobby isn't doing well either. He is drinking way to much and I'm getting worried that one day I am going to wake up and he is going to be dead from alcohol poisoning. Because of this, I am not drinking so that I can take care of him. I did get sick about two weeks ago thought. I was cooking eggs and I couldn't keep my coffee down. It was so weird and now every time I smell coffee it makes me puke also no eggs, like at all, just the smell kills me. I have been having this dream almost every night since Dean died. I am in the middle of the forest and I could hear him screaming in pain. He was calling for Sam and for me. I would start running, but I seemed to be stuck. I couldn't get near him. His voice would get louder and then I would run toward it. Then it seemed to get quiet again. I wake up in a cold sweat. Because of this, I haven't been sleeping much.

July 17th 2008

Tomorrow will be two months without Dean and I am getting desperate. Bobby is still drinking himself to sleep, I haven't heard from Sam, and the dreams are getting worse and worse. I am no longer in the woods. I am now in a building. There is a long hall and I can see Dean. He is still in pain and screaming for Sam and I to save him, but I can't get to him. Every time I get close I am dragged away by an invisible force. So I am still not sleeping much. In other news Cas showed up last week. I almost took his head off. I was so pissed that he showed up out of no where. I haven't prayed to him in over a month and then he just showed up and dropped an a-bomb on me. I am pregnant. I am going to have a baby.

August 17th 2008

Tomorrow will be three months. I went to the doctor the day after Cas told me the news. It's true. I am going to be a mommy. I was 3 months pregnant when I went to the doctor, so by now I am about 4 months along and starting to show. I have tried to call Sam to tell him, but he turned off his phone or changed his number. I don't know what to do. Cas disappeared again and hasn't answered me since he dropped the news. Bobby has still been drinking and I am taking care of him as much as I could because I still wasn't sleeping well. The dreams were going to be the death of me. Instead of Dean screaming to be saved, it was me that was screaming. I would be in a room strapped to a table. Dean would be standing over me with a knife. He was torturing me, slicing into my old scars that I have had my whole life and adding new ones. He would whisper into my ear. "Kelly, no one can hear you." "No one cares that you are going to die." "I never loved you, you know. I just felt sorry for you." He would look at me with black eyes and I would wake up not only sweating but crying. It was getting so bad that Bobby has been waking me up every few hours so that the dreams aren't as intense, but it hasn't been working. They keep getting worse and worse.

September 17th 2008

Tomorrow will be four months since Dean has been gone. I don't know if I can handle this. I need sleep and it's not getting easier. But this morning was the first night that I didn't have a nightmare. I woke up this morning with a start, but it wasn't from a dream. It's almost as if the baby jumped inside of me as if it was excited for something. It seems that I produce active children. Charles was like this. I saw Cas about a week ago. He surprised me again with some news. The baby is no longer an it. It is a she. I am having a little girl. I have never had a little girl in my life. This will be a new adventure that is for sure. I just wish that Dean was here to go thought all of this with me. I miss him so much. I still don't know what Sam is doing, but I assume that he is still okay at least I hope he is okay. I miss my Winchesters so damn much.