Why Me Lawd!!!

This Bastard

“So how is your relationship with your boyfriend?” asked Maury.

“Um,” I glanced over at Alexander. “It’s good, we’ve been dating for about five years.”

“Has it been a good five years?” asked Maury.

“Yeah, I mean, we have a few arguments every now and then, but most couples argue. I mean, I love him and I really want to marry him.”

“Oh, what do you argue about?”

“Like, one time he was complaining about me not cooking him a decent meal, but I-“

“What did you cook him?” asked Maury.

“Salad, carrots, and mash potatoes,” I smiled, causing the audience to quietly chuckle. “I want us to eat healthy Maury, so we can be happy and old together.”

“Sounds to me,” joked Maury. “That you’re making him healthy, but miserable.”

The audience quietly laughed at this, while Jerry sported a grin that indicated that he was simply teasing me. I was aware that he often brought guests onto his show and made fun of them. Sometimes it was light hearted humor and other times it was humor that was designed to offend or mock the person being the subject of it. However, I simply felt as though he was joking with me, not meaning any harm in his joke. I smiled, which seemed to be the only thing that I could do at that moment.

“Alright,” said Maury, quieting the audience. “You seem like a nice girl. Alexander, turn to her and tell her why you brought her here today.”

The audience suddenly became quiet, awaiting the moment that they had been anticipating. Alexander turned in his chair so that he was facing me. He was a man in his earlier twenties, with jet black hair draped over his head. He was tall, having a box shape face that gave him this manly appearance.

Alexander took my hands in his, keeping his eyes tightly locked on mine. I searched his face for some sign of what he could possibly be keeping from me. I knew Alexander well, in his eyes I could just see that there was something eating him up inside. It was so quiet that you could actually hear a few members of the audience quietly breathing. Maury stood a few feet away from us, averting his attention from us to his feet every now and then as though he were trying to give us some privacy, however this was a pointless gesture, since we were in front of a hundred something people.

“You know that I love you, right?” said Alexander.

Upon hearing this I could feel my heart grow anxious with anticipation. Those words were the only spoken when your partner was going to reveal something terrible to you. They stated those words, “You know that I love you, right”, as some sort of mechanism to help you brace yourself for it what it was that they were about to say. Those words were designed to remind that no matter what they reveal to you, it was important that you know their feelings for you because once they reveal the truth to you, it won’t seem like they care about you once you know what they’ve done.

“Yeah,” I said in a small voice that was barely audible.

“Well, a few weeks ago, I accidentally slept with your best friend, Nancy.”