Daily thoughts and real life occurences. Sort of a compilation of everything I like, things I want to talk about, dreams that I've dreamt of and stuff I wish I had someone to share with.
Basically; it's a diary.
And I'm probably going to regret th...
Now I shall proceed to be the typical teenage girl whose worries are either about
a) What clothes to wear b) What drink to get at Starbucks c) How to get my parents to pay for the two dozen or so clothes that are stacked up in my H&M basket d) People I'm attracted to
Fret not, I'm not really going to whine about those because
a) I practically wear the same clothes everyday b) Anything chocolate will do c) I've never went as far as to buy 24 articles of clothing every time I go to H&M
But about the last one, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. And when I think about something a lot...
It means my period's just around the corner.
Anyway, I just need to let this out since I'm pretty sure my pals don't want to be bothered with this.
I guess we should give this person of interest a name first. Maybe Steve? Or Tom? Or James? Or Martin? Nah, I don't like Martin.
Howard?
Ok let's go with Wesley. Or Wes for short.
So long story short, I found out Wes liked me when his best friend, who is also my best friend + potential godfather (let's call him John) of my children, texted me to ask me who I liked and I told him I couldn't really decide between Wes and... What should I name this other fella?
Richard.
Yeah, Richard. Ok so Richard's an asshole. Enough said.
Back to the long story that's supposed to be short.
After telling John about my undecided attraction between Wes and Richard, he told me that Wes had feelings for me ever since we met. Which I had seriously doubted at first because I am the most hideous human being to have ever walked the surface of this Earth. But nonetheless, I played along with what I thought was one of good old John's jokes.
John told me he'll try a 'What if' situation with Wes and proceeded to ask Wes what if I liked him. And Wes said he'll go for it.
John then sent me a screenshot of his conversation.
And I was 180% tempted to run to his house in a gorilla suit and steal his phone to scroll through his messages and see wether or not their conversation was staged, despite it being 11 o'clock at night.
However, the whole situation turned out to be true and the next thing I know, Wes asked me out.
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See the thing is; dating, as a teen in my country, isn't exactly something I would say is frowned upon. It's just something that people have mixed feelings about. City folk would be okay with it but those people living outside the city would be a bit more judgemental. I'm one of those few city people who are kind of against dating.
Or at least I was.
I've never told this so openly before, I don't think more than 10 people even know about this. And don't get me wrong, I'm glad not a lot of people know about it because to tell you the complete and honest truth, I'm ashamed of it and disappointed in myself that I did it.
But I swear to God I had NO idea what was going through my mind at the time, I honestly don't. So I acceptedandthenextthingiknowiwasinarelationship God forgive me please for I have sinned.
I don't know who's going to read this, I just know that some people I know in real life follow me on Wattpad and please for the love of Seokmin I hope this stays between us. I just really need to let this out.
But you know... He's a great guy. He plays the guitar, he LOVES to keep things simple, he has a hard time expressing his feelings sometimes, his English is GREAT, he's not that good looking but he's fun to be around with and I really really enjoy his presence. He's just... So incredibly nice.
I remember he wrote a song once before this whole ordeal took place. My friends and I teased him about it because we thought he was being too cheesy. Who knew it turned out to be about me?
But the thing is, I didn't deserve him. Not one bit. Before Wes, there was Richard. Honestly, I have no idea why I even liked Richard. (Nor do I even have any idea why he liked me, guys are weird) He's the kind of guy you'd want to punch in the face.
I was a retarded piece of shit though. The whole time I was with Wes, my mind was on Richard instead. I wasn't appreciating the things Wes did for me. I fawned over Richard whilst Wes was telling me how the soccer tryouts went. I was a really bad person.
So I broke things off with him.
Also because I felt bad since I was in a relationship at an age where I clearly shouldn't be.
To say the least, he was... Really sad about it. 'Sad' would be an understatement. Depressed would be an exaggeration. Somewhere in the middle maybe. It took him almost two years to move on.
And now, when I look back at it, I should've done more. But the bottom line is; I don't deserve him. And I'm genuinely happy he's moved on.
I know I can never build up the courage to say what I should say to him, but if I had the chance to-
I'm sorry I wasn't what you expected me to be. I'm sorry I made things rough for you. I'm sorry you had to put up with me. I'm sorry you had to spend so much time just to forget what happened. I'm sorry you stayed up late at night writing songs for me only to find out I wasn't worth it. I'm sorry for the fact that you were with me.
I'm sorry. I really am.
Thank you, whoever you are, for reading til the very end. Let's keep this between us, alright?
