Month passed but nothing changed. Knowing it wasn't going to fill the emptiness left behind deep inside of him he drank. He drank until he fell asleep or eventually passed out. He knew they worried but except for the tiny part of himself acknowledging that he couldn't care less. Why should he? They couldn't fill the emptiness a certain someone had left behind the very moment that someone was gone. No one ever could fill that emptiness but only as that person was gone he realized how much he actually was in need of them. In need of them to take care of him. To tell him to go to sleep or to eat properly. As annoying he thought this to be all that time ago now he would give his own life to hear that voice just one more time. To be able to look at that face one last time and tell the person it belonged to how much they meant to him. Always had and always will.
Staring down at the glas in his hand, he could see the wavering reflection of his tired face on the surface of the brown liquid swimming inside, looking right back at him. Oh how he despised that face. Why couldn't he have been a bit faster that very day his life turned into shreds? Or why couldn't it have been him who's dead body was left behind on the battlefield the very moment his last breath left his lungs? He didn't know but if this was a cruel way to test him he couldn't even tell how he managed to get through the past 7 month. One would think it would get better in time, would be easier to deal with but each and every morning he opened his eyes was filled with agony. Never before did he miss someone like that. Never before did he care enough to even do so and now it was eating him up.
"Why didn't I realize sooner?"
He asked his reflection in a quiet murmur like he would every day after having a few too many drinks. He knew he wasn't good when it came to things like that but he never thought of himself as that dense. Obviously he had been wrong. Or maybe he just didn't want to admit to all these feelings and make them real with his confirmation. He had been afraid and now he regretted every single moment of his damned life for being the cowardly idiot he was. He just should have thought all of this through and came to terms with his feelings for the man who had been by his side for so many years.
Maybe if he would have confessed things would have been different as they were now. Maybe he wouldn't have been out there all on his own but he could have been by his side. If he had been by his side he would have been able to tend to his injuries or even prevent them from happening. He didn't know if he really could have done so but the mere possibility of it was eating him away.
What if...
So many what if's but not one changed the fact that he had to watch the person he loved the most go slack in his arms as his heart stopped beating and life left his body. He would never forget those clear blue eyes shadowing over, having lost their usual gleam. Looking down at the dead body in his arms he could feel the hot tears running down his face but soon enough he was dragged away from the one person that thought him worth love and friendship.
"I don't even have the right to love you...I miss you...I'm sorry,.... Shinya"
Remembering the bloodstained smile the blonde had been wearing even while dying just to ease Guren's pain the dark haired man couldn't hold it in any longer. He couldn't hold the tears that had been burning at the back of his eyes for so long from running down his pale cheeks as he started to quietly sob.
Shinya. His friend. That one person who's put everyone above himself. That one annoying guy he learned to love so very dearly over all the years he couldn't bring himself to shake him off. Guren loved everything about Shinya though it was only now that he was gone that he could openly admit all of that. He did love his hair, his eyes, his face and all around all about the way Shinya looked but it wasn't just the fair haired man's beauty that attracted Guren. No it had also been Shinya's undying optimism, the way only he could make Guren smile and relax again like he wasn't able to with anyone else. Thinking about it he would never be able to know how Shinya's lips would feel against his own. If they'd be as soft as he imagined them to be or how it would feel to have the other man wrapped up in his arms, with his head tucked underneath his chin while they both just enjoyed the warmth of one another.
Guren couldn't even explain exactly what he felt for Shinya as it was an all consuming feeling but what he loved the most was when Shinya smiled. Not one of the smiles he had for everyone but the one he only shared with Guren. So full of love and adoration it sometimes had a suffocating effect on the raven haired man.
And now all that was left was the aching memory of that smile and those clear blue eyes, burned into Guren's mind as a steady reminder of his loss for whenever he closed his eyes.
