Ukiyos Art 3

13.) Feeling like.......

Well hey. If you don't want to know what most of my life is like then well skip this chapter.

So. I start of my day getting ready yah know the usual things. Then going to school. Basically hell. I see no difference.

I have 2 friend groups.

Usually I'm just trying to make everyone think I'm happy and feeling great all the time....when really. ....

I'm depressed. I'm sad. I cry. I'm alone. I'm feeling empty. I have anxiety. My social anxiety is bad. My depression is well.....not as bad as some people but yeah I'd say bad. I can't really remember how to truly smile. I look back at pictures of me in elementary school or even when I was a baby.....I see happiness in all of those pictures......and I try to recall how to be happy again.

This week has been hell.

There is a voice inside my head saying your not good enough. People are judging you. Nobody cares. They aren't actually friends with you. Your just there outlet that they can talk to and throw you away like trash. You. Are. Worthless.

Now I try not to believe them at all. Like believe me there is a war inside my head. One day today I almost cried. It got so bad at school one day that I almost broke. Now. I'm at my actual breaking point. I'm not joking. One more thing and I will snap.

I know it will get better but when.

This week. Well. I'm gonna tell you a story.

So it started off fine. But then came lunch on tuesday. Oh my god. I almost broke.

So some of my friends.........made up this plan and it's stupid. They are going to get grounded for years like. Is it worth it to you?

I am to nervous to tell them that it's not going to work. Because it's kinda like telling your friends to stop it which is actually hard to do.

Also. I am hating on there plan.

Now. Here goes to the part that really stabbed me. I'm actually left out and discluded sometimes. So yeah. How fun right?

Well they didn't tell me about the plan and when I said that that isn't cool of them to do that I got talked to by a friend in a tone which yah know sucks ass.

They kinda just did there thing and kept planning there plan without me.  I have been avoiding them for the rest of the week and have been being with my other friend group who keeps me distracted from my thoughts and depression. So yeah.

Now today my friends were planning it in math so yeah it low key sucked.

Here is the reason that I am so nervous and scared to post this. One of my friends is probably reading this. And I want to say to her is she is reading this.......

Did I do something wrong or something to hurt you?

Why am I left out at moments?

Do you care?

I don't know what to do. I am left out of ideas. I have told you how I have felt but I feel like it didn't get resolved.

I have bad social anxiety that's why I'm not able to put myself out there and..........

To me you are intimidating and if I do something wrong or have a little tone in my voice I sometimes get snapped at which low key makes it worse.

Sometimes if you give me a look I just brush it over my shoulder because I'm scared to speak up for myself.

I am not mad at you. This was not written in hate or madness.

I am lost and have no idea what to do anymore.

I am officially done.

Thank you for listening to my rant.

Goodbye.