I'm 32 weeks pregnant. The last time I saw him, I was 20 weeks.
I'm awake at 5am, can't sleep again, I've needed somewhere to store all my thoughts at these times. Something like this seemed to be the best thing to use... So this isn't really a story to be honest, it's more like a personal diary.
I have conflicting emotions towards to him at the moment... A part of me tells myself to forget him, he isn't worth it & I'm much better off without, but the other part of me won't let me forget how happy we were at one point & the fact that I'm carrying his baby.... I can't understand why or how it was so easy to walk away so carelessly, not just from me, but from our baby.
This is not how I imagined bringing a child into the world. I never wanted any of this to happen.
And while I sit here alone, day in day out & for what seems like endless lonely nights, he probably sits surrounded by friends, going on nights out... Being happy. Its like me & the baby don't exist.. & how easy he makes it seem hurts me the most.
I've been a mum since the day I found out I was pregnant. The fact that he's a father never seemed to have become reality to him. He never seemed to care and now, he shows that he really doesn't... Probably never did.
I get people messaging me from time to time, asking how I am, telling me I can always talk to them. But what's the use when I'll only feel okay after talking to him... But how can I talk to someone who pretends I don't exist, who just argues with me... Who lied about loving me & used me for money but fucked off on me at the first sign of a struggle... How can a man leave his own child like that, let alone the girl he said he loved for months.
How could he do that to us and not feel a single shred of regret or sadness. The only answer I can think of is that, he must've never cared for me like he said he did. He didn't want me in the first place. So why bother with me at all? I wish he just left me alone. I wish I never met him... But I also wish he would just get in touch.. Maybe we could make things better.
When I'm sat thinking of him, I wonder if he thinks of me or his baby.. I wonder if he'll get in touch once the baby is born, will he want to know then?
Should I let him be involved then... Or should I tell him he had his chance & that he should fuck off...?
I've a lot of people telling me that it'd be best not to have him around at all.. But I don't know if I agree or not. Half of me says, if he wanted to be around he would've been & its not okay for him to pick & choose when he wants to be involved, the other half says I can't be okay with keeping him from his child... I'm thinking about all of this with the idea that he even cares enough to want to see his son when he arrives... I've got a horrible voice in the back of my mind telling me it won't make a difference to him whether his son is actually here or not... If he doesn't care, then that's just the way it'll stay.
Something I've learnt in relationships is that saddly, you can't force someone to give a shit about you.
