transgender

introduction

trigger warning: use of f*ggot, f*g, tr*nny, and d*ke. homophobia. transphobia. anorexia. self harm.

ever since i was a kid, i knew i wasnt like everyone else. i was the only girl to hang out with the boys. i was the only girl to not wear dresses and pink. i was the only girl who desperately wanted to be a boy. in my preschool, the teachers separated us by boys and girls during recess. i was the only girl who would sneak into the boys' area. the teachers got used to it, though. they didnt care.

it wasnt until elementary school when things changed. my school's dress code was dresses and skirts for girls, and it was pants and shorts for boys. that might not be a big deal for most people. however, i wouldnt get out of bed. all morning id cry until my mom let me stay home. eventually, i moved schools.

the new school was worse. the dress code was fine, but the kids were horrible. they mocked and belittled me. they called me fat, dumb, stupid, disgusting, a lesbian, and various other names. again, this may not be a big deal to most kids, but i was sensitive. my whole life, i was protected from the ugly, hateful world. being exposed to it took a toll on me.

the girls were the biggest bullies. they were stick thin, little white girls. i couldve taken them down, i was pretty strong for a 7 year old girl. i never did though. one girl almost broke my arm. she also gave me my first concussion. she threw me against a tree, leaving me unconscious on the ground. a teacher later found me, and i was taken to the hospital. nobody believed me when i told them it was the little angel, jessie.

throughout my elementary school years, none of the teachers believed me when i told them these girls were physically hurting me. they blamed it on the boys.

after about six months in this school, i became mute and anorexic. i didnt speak up until 4th grade. to this day, i still have trouble eating food and speaking without a stutter or stammer.

fourth grade is when i started to try to fit in with all the other girls in my grade. i decided to cut my hair in a more feminine way. i also started straightening my hair. my clothes also got more feminine. soon, all of the girls liked me.

soon we all drifted away during the summer before sixth grade. i was glad. they were horrible, even as friends. they constantly talked shit about each other. me, included. i was usually the main topic.

i found the internet. youtube, kik, the motherlode. i met most of my friends on kik. internet friends. saturn, allison, katie, jane, and more. we were all best friends.

these were the people i trusted with my life. they were the people i told about my problems. they helped me accept. they helped me discover who i was.

in this time, i discovered what transgender meant. i discovered what ftm meant. i discovered everything.

i begun to question my gender and sexuality when i was about to go into sixth grade. it was so confusing; all i knew was i am not a girl. i stood by that throughout my whole time identifying as questioning.

sixth grade was, honestly, the best experience ive had in school. though i didnt have friends, i made friends with teachers. plus i started reading and writing more. i had started to play more video games and eat more.

i was transforming into what the kids would later call me a dyke.

dyke was an interesting term. lesbians were dykes. i was not a lesbian. i knew that for sure. i may have liked girls, but i really fucking liked boys and masculine people in general. it was an intense like.

i was also not a girl. i knew that. i experienced dysphoria, and i just knew i was not a girl.

i came to the conclusion that i was transgender and bisexual. it wasn't easy to accept these labels, to accept who i am, but i did. i knew that i like people, and that i am a boy.

i am a boy.

in sixth grade, i had chopped off all my hair. the dysphoria killed me. i went from a giant messy bun to shaved sides and a short fringe. i also bought a binder a few days before.

the binder was secret though. i had a visa card from christmas. as an eleven year old transguy, i was extremely lucky. sure, i had to keep it a secret from my parents, but that was easy.

nothing much changed from sixth to seventh. now, when i say nothing much, i mean everything.

i had friends, i had significant others. i had the life.

except for the fact that i met a new, uh, character. her name was tina.

thin little white girls are the biggest bullies against fat big latino people. she was a straight up bully. not only did she pretend to be my friend, but she manipulated me, degraded me, excluded me, and completely isolated me from others. she pointed out my insecurities, how fat i was. it hurt.

everything went to shit. i developed depression, my anxiety was getting worse. i started self harming as a way of coping with my depression, which obviously didn't work. self harm is not a good or healthy habit.

then i came out as pansexual. it didnt go as planned. everyone hated me and disagreed with me. they told me bisexuality was selfish and ridiculous.

i was heavily bullied. again, i told all the teachers, i told the counselors. i told everyone.

nobody cared.

nobody did anything. i was abandoned by the school system. i came home with black eyes and bruised. my mom contacted the school, my dad had a meeting with the principle.

nothing happened.

despite all of this, i stand by my identity.

my name is asher gonzalez, and i am a transgender male. i am bisexual.

nobody can change the way i feel.

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hi!! im nate, and i think this is my first time writing a story that isnt fanfiction. i wrote this about a year ago, maybe a year and a half. i rewrote some bits and made it a bit longer. i hope you guys enjoy!

and, yes, i am transgender. i am a boy, and i'd love for you to respect that. (: