As Long As My Heart Beats

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Playlist:

Salvation - Gabrielle Aplin

Give Me Love - Ed Sheeran

I trail behind Harry into a little café on a side street. It's small, with booths instead of chairs set around formica tables. Harry slips into a booth and I sit opposite him, my hands clenched in my lap.

A waitress comes over to take our order, but I'm not really concentrating. She's pretty but tired looking, straight black hair scraped into a limp ponytail. She blushes when Harry talks to her, and I find myself watching him as he talks. I notice things about him, little insignificant things that I really shouldn't notice. The tilt of his head. The easy curve of his lips. The soft dimples that pop when he smiles. I bite my lip. If he was gay, if I didn't hate myself, if I wasn't going to kill myself at the nearest possible opportunity, I would date him. He's hot, really hot.

The waitress walks away, and Harry notices me staring at him. "What?!" he asks, confused. "Have I got something on my face?"

I shake my head, curling back into my shell, mentally reprimanding myself for staring. I'm stupid, stupid, stupid. He is too good for me. "No. Doesn't matter."

The waitress comes back over with two mugs of hot chocolate. It looks amazing: hot and steaming, whipped cream swirled on top, not that shitty stuff out of a can, the real stuff, and marshmallows sprinkled on top. It looks so good that I want to drink all of mine in one go, then Harry's, and then order 10 more. It would fill me up, warm me from my toes upwards. Just one sip, and then-

::Ugly::Fat::Stupid::Ungrateful::Greedy::Unwanted::Unloved::Fat::Ugly::Stupid::

I move my hand back from the cup, fingers shaking. I want to drink it, I want to drink it so badly, but I can't. Harry takes a sip of his nonetheless. Can't he hear them? Can't he hear them telling him not to drink it? He peers at me over the rim of the mug. "I'm a big believer in the healing power of chocolate."

I want to say, me too. I want to sit down and drink the goddam hot chocolate, I want to split a cake with him, or order a couple of coffees to go and walk along the beach next to him. I want to tell him about me, want to see him laugh and cry. I want to tell him all this, but I can't. My mouth is as dry as sandpaper, and my toungue feels thick and heavy and cumbersome.

Instead, I stand up from the booth suddenly, knocking my hot chocolate to the floor, the sharp corner of the table digging into my leg, and bolt towards the door, away from Harry.

"Hey! Stop!" I hear Harry call out, and footsteps pound towards me. I speed up.

"Just leave me alone!" I scream, my words tangled by both the wind and the tears in my eyes.

He's catching up. I can't run that fast anyway. I can't run fast because I haven't eaten in the last three days, because the last time I ate I cried for an hour, reminding myself what I was.

::Loser::Idiot::Fat::Bastard::Weak::Ugly::Stupid::Loser::Loser::Loser::

Harry's hand is on mine, pulling me back. I whirl round and slap him, surprising the both of us.

"Just where do you get off?" I seethe. "Stopping guys from throwing themselves of bridges? Do you get a kick from it?"

He blinks, and I realise with a jolt that he is scared. Of me. A red patch is forming on his cheek, but he ignores it, and takes my hand in his.

"No." He whispers, quiet even though the rain is thundering down around us. "Of course not. I saw you... Up on the bridge... I was driving by, and I thought that there was something beautiful, but unnervingly sad, almost melonchony, about everything. I wasn't going to do anything, but then I saw you letting go..." His voice is rough and deep, his hands steady around mine. "I couldn't let you. I just couldn't."

I try to pull my hands away, but he holds tight. I feel sick and shaky, my head spinning. "You don't even know my name."

"Tell me your name then." Through the mist covering my eyes I can see that his wrist is covered with tattoos. An anchor stops right above the place our hands meet.

"Louis." I look shyly up. Why is he still here? Could he maybe like me? No, of course not.

::Stupid::Loser::Unlovable::Ugly::Stupid::Idiot::

He smiles, although his eyes are sad. Sad for me? They can't be. Why would he care about me?