1. why my dad can't seem to figure out how to love my baby brother. why he tries to stitch himself back into our lives even when we both know he's only going to tear himself out at the seams
2. why he reminds me of our childhood dog, standing in the path of our sliding glass door and us telling him, "in or out"
3. how to answer the phone.
4. how mixing your almost pink and my baby blue somehow came out to a blinding, searing red
5. how to stop searching for you in crowds of people. i know you won't show
6. how to stop feeling so fucking deeply. i wish i could feel pain without feeling agony. i wish i could feel happiness without feeling blinding joy. the highs are mountains and the lows are aching valleys and the contrast hurts so much more. and so i wish i were gray.
7. how to feel numb.
8. how to radiate sunlight and exhale kindness rather than stinking like cigarettes and getting high between classes. how to love myself instead of searching for affection in the lips of anyone who gets close enough to burn me. how to breathe without choking on the words i cant fucking say
9. how to love my little brother more
10. how to love you a little less
(10 things i won't learn in school this year)
