*!Broken Home!*

*!Broken Home!* Chapter 1

** Please note that this story is still a work in progress, please check back regulary to see the changes and please feel free to leave and comments.

CHAPTER 1

I woke up suddenly and glanced at my alarm clock ‘shit it’s 11am, crap I’ve over slept again!’ Even though I’d overslept it didn’t feel like it, my eyes felt as if someone had thrown a fist full of gravel at my face. I layed still for a few minutes, stretching slowly, yawning and staring at the ceiling trying to wake myself up. I was listening hard too, yes it was just as I thought, complete silence, Dad was still not home from work. Hmmmm, I wonder if he even came home, oh well it was better than him being here and me having to listen to his drunken rambles and offensive words as he drowned his sorrows with the bloody bottle.

I sat up slowly and inched to the edge of by bed and let my legs dangle over the side then slipped out of bed and staggered across my room to the closet, I had no idea what to wear all I knew was that today felt like one of those days when I really couldn’t be bothered doing anything. I could be quiet content just lazing around my room today but I had things to do. Standing there looking at my large selection of jeans and tops I finally made my decision, I settled for pair of skinny blue jeans and a white halter top. 

I walked back to my bed with my clothes held carefully in my hands and set them down on the end of my bed then walking back across my room I opened my curtains and checked out the weather when I suddenly remembered that I had an appointment to see my psychiatrist, "just great" I mumbled to myself remembering how much I enjoyed my visits there, NOT! My Grandmother seemed to think it would help me deal with certain issues I had going on so I went along simply to humour her. Seeing that today was in fact sunny again with a few clouds scattered around the sky I formed a half hearted smile, I truly  loved the sun and the way it felt on my skin, it was warm and comforting and always made me feel safe which I guess is weird to others but I’m not like other people. 

Reassured that I had chosen suitable clothes for the day I walked back to my bed to collect my clothes and headed for my en-suit which sat in the corner of my room. I loved having my own private bathroom and the security it gave me.

Sitting my clothes down on the basin I took a few steps forward and slid open the glass doors to my shower, slipping my arm in to turn on the water. I always turned the hot water first and then the cold just as my mother taught me and every time I turned on the shower it brought a gentle smile to my lips. I took a step back and listened as my bathroom filled with the sound of water hitting the bottom of the porcelain shower base and watched intently as a cloud of steam slowly rolled from above the shower doors filling the room like a misty fog.

Satisfied that the water had heated up and was at the right temperature I began to undress. As I undressed I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror behind me. ‘Great, just great’ I murmured to myself, my hair was a mess! As I ran my fingers through my hair I couldn't help but think It looked as though I was hiding an army of birds in there somewhere. I lifted my arms a tad higher up to the back of my head and began trying to pry my hair tie out, grabbing hold of my hair just above where the hair tie sat I grabbed hold tight and with my free hand a yanked my hair tie out. After what seemed like a loud ripping noise it came free and my hair fell down past my shoulders. Reaching over to sit my hair tie on the basin I could not help but notice the hair mattered around the metal clasp, it looked like it would need attacking with a pair of scissors to clean the hair off. 

I turned around in all my nakedness and checked myself out in the mirror; I brought my hand down to my stomach and pinched the skin, I had a habit of doing this a lot. I would often pinch random parts of my body and stretch the skin out; I guess you could say that I found it amusing at times. I think it was my way of checking to see if I had gained any weight. I had always been a little sub conscious of my weight even though I was not over weight and had never been called fat or anything I just had this habit. I considered myself very lucky if anything, I could eat what I wanted and I never gained a pound, I had no stretch marks to speak of either and was lucky enough to have olive skin so I didn’t need to tan. Satisfied that I had pinched myself enough for one day, I reached over to the light switch and turned the heater light and fan on.

As I stood under the steamy warm water I let the feeling of relaxation consume me, warm water trickled down over my slim body making me feel at ease. It was then right at that at that moment when I reached for my loofah and body wash it all started flooding back; the pain of losing my mother. Tears started to escape my eyes as I slumped to the floor of the shower, hugging one knee with the other resting under my bottom. My tears then turned to loud sobs as I found myself asking why, why this happened to me. I was only seventeen, I wasn't supposed to lose my mother just yet, it wasn’t supposed to happen that way, my mother was supposed to be with me for many more years, she was meant to help me with my own children and my wedding and SHIT my whole life!

Just once I would like to start my day without this memory creeping up on me all the time. It’s like I was beginning to forget the simple things like how to laugh, how to smile, not just smile but truly smile; you know the kind where your teeth are sticking out and your eyes shine like the brightest star. Laughing until tears are streaming down your face and you’re gasping for breath or having to hold your tummy because it is in cramps from laughing so hard; I'd give anything to be so carefree and happy again. But instead I was stuck with this feeling; I can’t even really describe it, it’s like emptiness, loneliness, a feeling of not belonging anymore, an outcast of society. I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I wouldn't say I'm not either.  I'm just this.

I glanced down at my knee that was tucked under my bottom and I traced my fingers over the large scar on my upper left thigh, shuddering as I remembered that day and how I got it; a scar for life, an everyday reminder of the worst day of my life. Seeing this mark on my body everyday always took me back in time. It’s like my mind was forced to relive the tragedy all over again, day in and day out. Sometimes I question my ability to remember correctly what happened. That day in the hospital, it’s like I have thought it over that many times and thought of so many different things that I’m not even sure what’s real anymore. I mean I know what happened and everything but..... I am an over thinker I guess.

Then I start thinking the same questions I’ve asked myself a thousand, no a million times... How was I going to get on with life, was I just supposed to forget her, how was I supposed to just keep pretending to the world that I was ok? Why did this have to happen to my mum! Just four months ago it all happened and I still miss her so much. She would have woken me this morning and then chatted over breakfast and coffee before I left for school. How I missed her soothing, calming voice, her motherly ways. I loved the way I could talk to her about everything and she always had an answer or a solution to every problem. She seemed to always make me feel better no matter what i was going through. My past problems seemed so pathetic now, so minuet.

I knew how extremely lucky I was to have such a bonded relationship with my mother, I would do anything to turn back the clock and have things return to how there were when life was good, not this nightmare that has become my reality.

I'm not really sure how long I had been sitting in the bottom of the shower but when I felt the heat of the water slowly begin to fade out I realised it was time to get out and face the day.

Everyday had become an effort for me and I always had to force myself to step forwards and out into the big wide world. Deep down I really struggled with everything but I didn't let on to anyone what my feelings had become. I had found that I would be around people and I would be smiling without knowing it. Being all cheerful and smiley was not how I felt but I guess I had just become good at hiding my emotions from everyone around me and for now that’s how I wanted it.

Slowly I unfolded my knees and stood up turning the water off. I slid open the glass sliding doors to the shower and reached for my towel. Once I was dried I quickly got dressed, ran the brush through my hair, added a little make up and headed out the bathroom door.