Truth Is

Invisible

Hi. Me again.

   Today we decided (kind of) to start talking for real. You don’t know how happy and relieved that makes me. I mean, no one ever randomly messaged me before, you know? Then you did and flipped my whole world upside down. I never actually thought it was possible… and I even wondered if it was your brother doing this as a sick prank. I still think about it as a possibility, because I can barely believe it’s real.

   No one ever asked me out before. You haven’t either, but I’m just mentioning it. Sure, on New Year’s that guy messaged me and said I was sweet, beautiful, etc etc etc… but then guess what? I found out his friend messaged me instead. It was never him. In all of elementary school, guys would ask me out as a joke. I was usually the dare, “go ask her out because she’s weird and obviously it wouldn’t happen”. They didn’t say that, but I could guess. That was only up to, say, grade 6? Then it stopped.

   Truth is, I was invisible.

   I touched on that in the first letter, and I thought maybe I’d go into more detail. Well, there’s not much (or maybe too much) to tell. You know how there’d be that person who’d highfive everyone when you won? I was missed. No one highfived me. I was the friend who just hung around.

   And don’t get me started on recess. I was the loner of the school, I swear. Sure there were days I hung with the rest of the group, but most days I wandered on my own. I would watch the guys play soccer or football or whatever they were into at the time, I would watch my friends. No one came for me. It came to the point where I just didn’t care anymore; I was numb to it and I grew fond of the silence. I love being alone now; it honestly makes me feel… protected. I can’t depend on anyone fully, it just doesn’t work.

   Then, I think it might have been grade 6 or 7, she came to school. I won’t use names. But she came and she turned out to be a ‘liar’ and everyone came to hate her. She was alone, like me, and I became friends with her. I got yelled at, screamed at, because they didn’t they she deserved it. I spoke meanly back, I admit it. But I was mad and everyone deserves someone, no matter what they’ve done. I got unwanted attention. And then… all of my friends grouped up.

   They followed us around. They had a kind-of leader, and to this day I can’t stand her. She’s popular of course, and my best friend gravitated from me to her. So she yelled at the ‘liar’ and I defended her fully, then I got it.

   My friends were totally against me and I didn’t really feel it. It was instinctive to defend the girl who had no one. I don’t ever regret it. The lie she told didn’t even matter; it wasn’t hurting anyone, and I see her side. She wanted to fit in and show what she thought she could be and it backfired.

   Then she left and I turned invisible again. I was alone again, but honestly, I didn’t care. In grade 6 as well I had this… boyfriend that wasn’t really, remember those? You hung out at school but nothing ever happened. Well, it was a pity relationship. He bugged me so much to tell him who I liked (people knew me and talked to me, I did have many acquaintances) and it was him, so my friend set us up. Then he told everyone but me that he didn’t like me and would end it. Then it was the new girl situation all over again.

   One recess, the whole class (or so it seemed), including many ‘friends’ surrounded me and yelled that he was breaking up with me. Sure, that was fine, it had only been a weekend. What hurt me was that the people I thought cared didn’t as much as I thought. Except one; he defended me and pushed people back. I am so grateful he was there, because I don’t know how far my faith in humanity actually would stretch. I was young and I didn’t know how to cope at all. I found a way; silence. My friend was where I ran to, because I ran away from the scene. We didn’t talk about it and it was so awkward…

   Grade 8, when I moved towns and went to your school, things changed so much. I had great, true friends that I couldn’t question the loyalty of. Instead of screaming they would defend me, and if they couldn’t, they wouldn’t scream at me. And even the popular guys acknowledged me. I don’t know if you remember, but on my birthday, you guys yelled Happy Birthday to me. No one thought much of it except me. No one ever did that except my best friends. It was a happy shock because I never expected anyone to care. Thank you for that.

   And at Grade 9 orientation, I was one of the people to be included in a hug spree. You know how I said that I wasn’t included in the highfives most of the time? Well, I was included that day. It felt so good, and it was new. I never knew I was a victim of uninclusion until I moved here. It changed my life.

   However, now, I’m not seen still. I think people know my name, but no one really says hey in the halls except for the people I’m friends with. I’m fine with it, attention makes me nervous anyway. I like being invisible, but I think that because it was how I grew up, it turned into my comfort zone.

   And you know those playdates as kids? The ‘go outside and play with the neighbourhood kids’ thing? I grew up away from that. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I don’t know how to play. I was lost when I went outside to play because there was no neighbourhood. There was no one remotely my age around. Playing outside by yourself is kind of difficult… something funny sometimes happened so I laughed, then I looked around and saw no one.

   That’s one of the reasons I’m a homebody, I guess. It’s comfortable and natural, and when reading is all you can really do, you find a love for it. That’s me.

   I don’t have much else to say. That felt good to say, and it felt good to tell my story of invisibility. No one knows it…

-Andi

Dedicated to virtuously for the wonderful cover! J