OUTSIDE - a post-apocalyptic novel

Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven - Riley

I sit in the kitchen and eat my cereal absent-mindedly, thinking about our plan. I’m nervous and excited as I mentally run through the supplies we’re taking with us. Ma comes into the kitchen and it takes me a few seconds to work out why she looks different. She’s dressed, made-up and, strangest of all, sober.

‘Darling, come here and give me a hug.’

I slide off the stool and walk towards her. She smells clean and fresh. She must have had a bath. Relief overtakes me. I kiss her cheek - the first time in a while that I’m actually happy to do so. We hug, but she doesn’t cling to me or cry. She holds the backs of my hands and pushes me away from her so she can study me better.

‘You look gorgeous!’ she exclaims. ‘When did you get so grown up? Is that my lip gloss you’re wearing? Never mind, it suits you.’

‘Hi, Ma, you look good too. We've been worried about you.’

‘You’re such a good girl, Riley. Strong, like your father.’ She sniffs and blinks rapidly. ‘Now, darling, I’ve got something to tell you.’ She pauses.

I’m intrigued and wonder what’s caused the turnaround in her behaviour. Surely she must have some good news.

‘I’m going to stay with Grandma and Grandpa for a while.’ She stares at me, waiting for my reaction.

My first thought is, I can’t go. I can’t leave Luc. We’ve got important plans. My second thought is, she used the word 'I' and not 'we'.

‘What? You’re going by yourself?’ I ask.

During the last month, I would have absolutely preferred it if she had been at my Grandparents’ place. I hated to see her in such a bad way and would rather she be grief-stricken anywhere else but here. But now, seeing her restored to her old self, I don’t want her to go. I want her to take care of me. To stay. I want us to try to heal ourselves together.

I hadn't realised how much I’ve been missing the company of my mother. I haven’t just been grieving for Skye, I’ve been adrift without the reliable everyday closeness of Ma. At this moment I almost want to forget my mission with Luc and try to get back to being a family of sorts.

‘Just for a bit, sweetheart. The helicopter’s picking me up this afternoon. Pa has arranged it all.’

‘This afternoon? But how long will you be away for?’ Hurt pricks at me and the word ‘abandoned’ pops into my head. I feel sick. Although she’s been as good as useless to me over the past few weeks, I don’t want her to go. The thought terrifies me. I feel like a little child, out of my depth and overwhelmed. I feel hot tears welling behind my eyes, but I also feel a creeping, burning anger that mothers aren’t supposed to behave like this. She should be here for me. I need her. But I’m not going to beg.

I breathe back the tears before they can fall, and I set my mouth into a hard line. The anger lodges like a piece of stale bread in my throat. She speaks again.

‘Riley, darling, we’ve all had an unbelievably dreadful time of it. I’ve been ill and I know I neglected you when you needed me. I’m still not quite right yet so Grandma and Grandpa are going to help me get better and then I can come home and we can start trying to get back to normal again. It won’t be for long. Please, my darling, please be strong for a little while longer.’

She sounds like her old self but I can see in her face that these words are costing a lot of effort. She looks tired and old. Her make-up doesn’t enhance her features, it just sort of sits on top of them like a mask. The panic and anger leaves my body and I suddenly feel so tired I want to curl up into a ball and sleep for a year.