Who You Were (Book #1)

Chapter 1: Where You Began

Like most stories this one has a more in depth beginning. But I'm starting it from the moment it all changed. The first moment I truly felt something, where I started my journey into who I am today. I used to be a light little feather, I used to never know the know what the real truth was.

July 2013

The biggest part of my life is dance. It's where I've grown up, it has completed me for the past 7 years. Today is nationals in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I performed two solos today, For Your Love, my first solo. I competed for the last time today. My other solo is Who You Are, it's my first year doing this solo. Ms. Laura says that it's more mature for me. I worked on cleaning it once with my other teacher Ms. Marlo, she helped me a lot. I feel good about my solos, neither of them had major mess ups. At the competition we're at Kids Artistic Revue or KAR, they have three adjudicated placements. A first, which is the lowest of lows, it means you really shouldn't be dancing anymore if you get one of those. I got one once this year when I fell on my side aerial in For Your Love. Then there's a Top First, that's what I usually get, it means you're an average dancer. Then there's the one I've never had, the one I've wanted for the past 7 years, it all I think about. It's put on a little gold podium to symbolize it's greatness. The Elite Top First. It even has the name of my studio, Elite Performance Academy in it. If I had one of these I would never want anything else again. Well, maybe Marlo's approval would be nice but after that my life would be complete.

Ms. Laura and I are standing on the side of the stage waiting for awards. I'm her only choreographed solo today because Marlo usually gets the serious dancers. Marlo has this group of girls she worships, ever since I first started at Elite I've wanted to be a part of them. After 7 years I've kinda given up on that one. Her used to be Maddie, Grace, Olivia, Annie, Shelby, Chloe, Eva, Taylor, and sometimes a few more. They were like gods to me. Annie has become lazy, Chloe quit, and Eva visits her dad so much she doesn't have time to be dedicated. But Maddie, Olivia, Grace, and Taylor are still her favorites, they still get all of the attention. It's the four of them who are all a year older than me, and Sarah, a girl my age. Sarah has become a good friend of mine recently. She's one of Marlo's favorites in the younger group. She's cool and funny, I wish I could be like her. I think about all of this, how I'm the underdog, how Laura's the underdog. She's only 24, compared to Marlo she is inferior. But I've always loved her, she's my savior from Marlo and her mean words. I would do anything to make her proud.

"Ms. Laura?" I ask her in a mousy voice. I'm very lanky for 13, all the other girls are proportionate but you can see all of my bones. This gives me the advantage of having people see me as young and innocent.

"Yes Cady?" she says looking at me. A year ago I was shorter than her but now we see eye to eye.

"Do you think I'll get an Elite Top First?"

At the time I thought she was serious when she told me it was possible but I realize she was only protecting me, just like she always has. Laura came to Elite when I was 10 years old, she took me in when Marlo didn't want me. 2 years later she gave me my first solo, and here we are now, so many performances later as I wait for my fate.

Grace, Olivia, Maddie, Taylor, Sarah, and I go out on the stage. Before awards start it's always so loud. There's music playing and everybody dances but I've never really liked it. The anticipation of the results is too much for me to be able to have fun. Soon the announcer walks out on stage and makes everyone split in half so he has a path to walk. The awards table is in the back with all the shiny trophies. My heart races as they call all the twelve year olds. Sarah gets a Top First. Everything starts to move faster. I hate this feeling more than the feeling before take the stage. They call For Your Love, it gets a Top First. That's fine I'm okay with that. Grace gets two Top Firsts and an Elite Top First, which is surprising she usually has a clean sweep of Elite Top Firsts. Taylor gets a Top First and so does Olivia. They still haven't called Who You Are. They finally get to my category and at first I think I heard the announcer wrong. He talks so fast and his voice booms but I know what he said.

"In the category of lyrical age 13 we have a First going to Who You Are."

My walk up the aisle to collect the trophy I would love to throw across the stage right now is slow. When I sit back down with my team my face is hot. I know this feeling all too well, I am going to cry. I try not to think about it or make eye contact with anyone. This is worse than the time I competed for title and everybody got a crown but me. Then Marlo tried to convince me it was because they didn't remember my solo. Dance has broken my heart before but I have never cried in public about it. I've come close but I've always held it in. I manage to collect myself before I cry. I think about how this must just be some kind of mistake. I hear them call both Maddie's solos as Elite Top Firsts. It's not surprising Maddie's the best, all the little girls look up to her and all the older girls want to be her. After the adjudication awards are done them have us clear the stage for the overalls. I'm not stupid enough to think I'll get one. Grace gets 18th with her solo Eternal Flame and Maddie gets 4th with her solo Breath of Dance. My heart aches because I wish more than anything I could be like them. I've watched them for 7 years, getting everything I want, I can only hope that someday I'll have that.

When the awards are over we all walk down from the stage. Laura is there to congratulate all of us but I stay away. My eyes swarm the room for Marlo. Despite the fact that Laura is my main teacher I still look for Marlo's approval first. But Marlo is talking to people who look powerful, clearly unconcerned about my state of being. I think for a second about running for the hills. But Laura is headed towards me and all I want is for her to tell me it will all be okay. I try my best to hold it together but as soon as she gets close enough I lose it. I mean really lose it. I break down into a full on sob while Laura takes me in her arms. I think everyone is gone now but I'm not really sure. I don't even really know what she's saying to me but having her see me like this is so embarrassing.

"I just wanted to do well," I cry into her in a disgusting sob.

"I know, I know and I'm so proud of you," she tells me.

We continue on like this for a while with my mom standing beside us. Laura tells me she promises things are going to be great this year and that she has big plans for me. Marlo already told me that this coming year was going to be my big year. I went to a competition in Louisville all by myself and she realized I was a serious dancer. She pulled my mom and I into another room and promised me my dreams would come true. After years of her pretending I didn't exist that was comforting to hear from her. But now it's just me and this screaming pain in my chest. Laura keeps hugging me and I'm now convinced that I'll be okay. But a dark cloud comes over me again when Marlo breaks away from her crowd. Laura and I separate as if we are about to encounter a drill sergeant.

"What is this!" Marlo almost yells.

"Nothing," Laura tells her in my defense.

"Cady you need to suck it up. The judging was hard, you got a first time to move on."

"Okay."

"You have no reason to be upset with yourself."

Marlo and her son that's a year older than me walk away, Laura gives me one last hug and leaves too.

"I'll call Rosie and see if Sarah and Lauren want to go to dinner," my mom says. My mom and I are pretty close so we'll probably talk more about this later.

That night Sarah, Lauren, our moms and I eat dinner at Friendly's, walk on the beach, and light lanterns. It almost makes me feel okay. But when I lay down in bed I put my headphones on to The Fray's, Never Say Never and I cry myself to sleep to try and get rid of the ache inside me. I will never forget how I feel in this moment, and I will use it to motivate me through the rest of my life.