Little Red String

1.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me. "

Turning my head, the LED light from the iHome glares back at me. It's 05:01 am. Just as I was able to finally drift into somewhat of a slumber, my phone decides it would be the perfect time to receive a notification. Flinging my left arm towards buzzing, the back of my hand connects with my nightstand which will ensure a nice bruise in the coming days. I open my phone, the brightness shocking me fully awake, and click on the email that I already resent receiving,

"Dakota darling,
First off, I want to say Happy Birthday! (even though it's nowhere near midnight in New York). It is with regrets that I will be unable to attend your celebration tonight. I'm sure it will be a night you will never forget. Your gift is already in the mail and you should be receiving it sometime today ;). I do however, need to discuss with you the upcoming schedule for the promo tour. Unlike Darker, this year's will be significantly more extensive. I will be sending you a full itinerary but just know that the first stop will be London on Friday the 13th of this month. I made sure they gave you a few extra days to recover from your birthday holiday. I will have the team on a conference call tomorrow morning to discuss more details but I understand you may be 'indisposed' which is completely understandable :) I hope you have a fabulous birthday my love and may all your wishes come true!
Chat soon,
xo E"

I lock my phone and toss it onto the bed next to me. There were so many parts of that email that I couldn't even begin to be process. The first thing being that once the clock strikes twelve tonight, I will be 28 years old and after doing a quick recap of my previous 27 years on this earth, is quite a remarkable achievement that I have made it this far. Two, my parents and friends (without my consent) decided it would be a good idea to throw me a huge birthday party tonight when all I would rather do is curl up in bed with Lolita for the 900th time. Three, the fact that from next week mid-February, I will be taken all over the world spend my days and talking and meeting and greeting and styling and question prepping, etc. about the single greatest blessing/curse in my life. And finally, I will be doing this whole 4 month world tour with him, which is a whole other demon in itself that I will put off dealing with until I absolutely have to. After letting out a long sigh, I hoist myself up and swing my legs off my bed and plant my feet on the cool hardwood floor. It's still dark out, but New York is alive and booming. Streetlights cast soft beams of yellow through my blinds and flow across my bed, which is just enough to prevent me from turning my room lights on. Standing up, I muddle my way into the bathroom. Once the light comes on, I look at the woman in my mirror. The dark purple and blue circles under my eyes look as though I have been knocked out two times over but it's my lack of sleep to blame. My eyes looked large in their sockets mainly due because I havnt had a decent meal in probably 8 days. Quickly, I pee and after washing my hands, I cup my hands under the cool flow of water and splash it on my face and run my wet hand along the base of my neck. I flop back into bed and grab my phone and unlock it again. I open Google up and type my name in, hoping to catch some cringe-y paparazzi photos that I can post on my newly-active Instagram to commentate my special day in the most satirical way I can. The very top item I see is an article written 4 hours ago with the title "Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan to begin 'FSF' press tour, leaving Dornan's wife home with two daughter & third baby on the way".

My whole body froze.

For the second time this morning I said out loud,

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."

I lock my phone, chuck it onto my bed so hard that it bounces off and onto the floor. Slamming my head into my pillow, I reach for another pillow, hoping that smothering myself will exempt me from facing the reality of what I saw. I'm okay, I tell myself, but then one single tear blinks out of my left eye and moves down my face before landing on my pillow. After taking a deep breath in to try to relax, I fail and unleash the water works. It feels good to cry. My mom used sing this song on my birthday every year, about how it was my birthday and I could cry if I wanted to. So even though my birthday wasn't technically until tomorrow, I gave myself a pass and completely emptied my body of all emotion and feeling until I drifted off to sleep.