Road To Nowhere [On Hold]

An Endless Cycle

I woke up feeling beads of sweat on my forehead, thus making my bangs stick to it. I groaned and rolled over looking at my alarm clock that read 2:02 am. I managed to sleep the day and night away, how pleasant. I was now sober and as I realized this I jumped up from my bed towards my closet where my mini fridge was. I know it’s not typical for teens to have a mini fridge in their rooms but it was something my mom bought and never ended up using, she gave it to me instead.

My room was stuffy and as I slugged down two large sips of Patron I walked to my window opening it completely. I put the bottle down on my nightstand and walked over to my dresser opening a drawer I intended on changing into some clean pajamas that weren’t drenched in sweat. I reached in looking for a tank top, only my eyes landed on Alexander’s black band tee-shirt, before I could concentrate on quickly shutting the drawer, it remained open as a memory revealed itself in my horror stricken head.

“Ty, just wear this” Alex grinned as he handed me a baggy black tee shirt that was two sizes too big for me, and even for him. “It’s huge” I stuck my tongue out as he ran for me. “What are you doing?” I squealed as he wrapped his arms around me tackling me onto my bed. I began laughing hysterically as he kissed my forehead, ears, nose, cheeks, then finally my lips parted and formed to his.

“I love you, Ty” Blushing and getting butterflies like a little school girls crush, I wrapped my arms around and responding the words that would never lie. “I love you too, Alex”

“Now I want you to wear my shirt, why be stubborn about it? It smells good” He grinned from ear to ear and I laughed, rolling my eyes. “Well of course, you only sprayed like two cans of cologne on it, but anyways I would love to wear it” 

“You’re adorable” He smiled, and I always fell in love with it. Every time. His smile was truth, his smile was happiness.

I slammed my dresser shut ignoring that I wanted new, clean clothes. My throat constricted and just as the tears reached my cheeks, my hand reached the alcohol bottle. I tightened my grip and took a long swig of it. Relief washed through me as I continued to chug a good twenty-five percent of the bottle. 

The feeling finally came to me. My cheeks flushed due to the alcohol taking affect, my stomach was doing pleasant turns, and my legs were a bit wobbly. I looked at my window and smelled the fresh air. The smell after it rains, it’s so calm and quiet.

I opened the screen, and slid my legs out, then grabbed my bottle bringing it with me. I took a large swig and grinned as I felt it working. My moccasins patted softly on the pavement of the road. It was always dead this late at night, It was the best time to leave.

I hated being around people. I feel fake. I have to smile and pretend every thing is alright, How can anything ever be alright? How can anything ever be okay. My guilt suppressed every other possible feeling, so I just decide to live without feeling. 

The alcohol helps perfectly with that. I never have to worry about feeling sad, mad, or depressed. A few strong swigs and the world fades away into a soft brown and green mush that surrounds me, as I lay there taking everything in.

I walked passed a small field little ground lights illuminated the entrance, I decided it would be a good idea. A huge field with no one to bother me, what could go wrong?

My Patron was only half full by now, I’d been drinking so much I built up a high tolerance to it. I don’t get drunk as easily and even so I’m mostly buzzed usually, the alcohol keeps affecting me less and less so I drink more and more.

I don’t think about the consequences, or what it could do to hurt me. I only thought about the temporary amusement, and anti-guilt. I mean who wants to feel like shit? I know I don’t. I mean were all the same when you think about it? The people who smoke, the people who drink, the people who self harm, We are literally all the same. 

We all do what we have to do to get by in life, we do what we have to, to be happy. Granted everyone’s reasons are entirely different, we are basically all the same. 

The field suddenly sloped downward, I continued to walk down it almost falling when my moccasins slid on the soft grass. I took a swig and grinned as I just ran as fast I could to the bottom of the slope. I slipped but rather than falling I sat down and slid until I was laying on my back, I smiled at my perfectly unaffected bottle of alcohol.

I looked up briefly at the stars, I feel bad for those who live in smaller cities, or even large ones.. I guess cities in general. Due to all the lights of those cities it’s hard to see the stars, the light from everything around blocks them out, making them fade into nothingness, kind of like myself..

Where as I live in a city, but it’s smaller, more like a town. The population is only around 30,000; maybe even less. Anyways we really weren’t that big, some people lived in the down town area, whereas me and my mother lived in the wooded area, so this explains why I can see the stars so beautifully.

Realizing I only had a sip or two left from the bottle, I decided on heading back, it was time to sleep again. As I started to walk up the slope I slipped slightly and fell to my knees, I cursed under my breathe before a memory unfolded itself.

“Alex! That’s too fast!” He grinned as I laughed hysterically. It was in the middle of December the slope was covered in snow and Alex decided it would be a good idea to go sledding.

“Oh Ty, it’s alright, the faster it is, the more fun” Alex grinned before wrapping his arms around me and letting us fall into the snow. He grinned before poking my nose with his finger.

“Well aren’t you adorable with your Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer look” Alex kissed my lips before I could respond. “Hey, Don’t make fun of my nose!” I frowned, and mocked sadness.

“Aww, Baby Ty, I’m sorry” He stated quickly before cupping my face and kissing me again.

“It’s all better now” I smiled before he mirrored my expression.

It was hard to breathe as my throat constricted. I looked at my now empty bottle furiously, the tears brimming my eyes. “No, I have to get home.” My words were empty as I tried to get up and stand once more, only failing. It was too late now, The tears spilled over and now I knew there would be no stopping. I held my chest and keeled over as I began to sob furiously. My heart ached, Lately I have tried to postpone this sadness. The alcohol is the key and I needed to get my hands on it.

Instead I could only manage to wrap my arms around myself and sob. I through myself into a coughing fit before letting more tears fall uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry, forgive me..”