reflection °kim namjoon

1° rough waters

Have you ever thought about how emotional water is?

I always thought that when rapids were violent, it meant someone was making a change in the world.

I also always thought that in this moment here, where I stand alone on the han river bridge, that i'd look down to see violent waves at my feet. I had hoped that i'd for sure make a difference in the world. Maybe that was the part of me that still wants to be here.

I thought about this moment often of course. It's not something spontaneous for me to do. You dont just leap off to your death suddenly. You think over the world in every perspective you've ever seen it in, and then you make your final decision.

To see how calm the water was below me, was like seeing once again how much i lost myself. I once thought that i was going to be influential but here i am, not even making the water quiver.

But, once I leap then that will be the moment the water erupts in violent waves. Maybe this life im in right now, is just an in between and my next will just be filled with influence. After I make ripple in the water.

I look up from the river, beginning to search for a place that i'd find adequate. I spot an area where there were no people and no guard rails and begin to walk there.

I found it a bit strange that I wasnt crying. I felt like i might begin to, but nothing came and I really just felt empty. I'm not sure if i expected anything more to be honest. This is all because I dont feel like who I used to be. The old me would cry. The one that had meaning, would cry.

Without warning, I felt a small thud on my shoulder and then grocery bags hitting the ground. I look down to see a girl with short black hair and tan skin on her butt, holding her shoulder softly.

"Ow." She mutters and begins to pick up her many packs of ramen and vegetables that had fallen. I begin to help, grabbing the foods that lay by my feet. "I'm sorry. I wasnt paying any attention." I tell her sincerely and I feel her eyes burn holes into me. I look up to see her staring at me.

She didnt look offended, she didnt look hurt, she didnt look like she knew me, she just looked at me.

"Mrs?" I ask and she immediately looks down and turns red. "No no It's okay. I wasnt paying any attention either. Don't feel bad." She smiles softly and grabs her bags.

"Oh!" She exclaims and points to a bag of apples behind me. I turn around to grab it and return it to her.

"Thank you! Oh and you dropped something, look's like a phone number!" She tells me, still blushing a bit and walking briskly away.

I look at the paper that has messy writing on it.

Thank you! Please call me! I want to repay you! 000-000-000.

"Hey! this isnt-" I turn around to see that she was already far away, mixing in with the crowd. "mine..." I finish and look at it again.

I decide not to wait and text the number immediately. "Who is this? Is this the girl from Han river?" I send the message and put my phone back into my pocket. I'm not expecting a speedy reply.

I glance over to the spot I was heading for before the girl ran into me, but for some reason I felt indifferent. Should I really go?

I felt my phone buzz and pull it out to see that the girl already replied. "Yes! actually.. I was too shy to say much but i thought that i should have your number. I'm not sure why but I think you'd be a good friend :]"

I felt my cheeks flex into a small grin and reply back. "Oh! Thank you! I think being friends would be nice.." I tell her. I wiggle my thumbs, wondering if I should say more, but decide not to. I shove my phone back into my pocket and look back at the spot.

I really shouldn't go... Not while I have someone who wants to be my friend.

Not today.