Difficult Roads often lead to Beautiful Destinations

1

Warnings: Sexual Themes, Kind of Graphic, Swearing

I was told to be less angry at myself while crying one night. I was told "it's okay to let yourself feel sad." I didn't have the heart to say I always feel sad if I'm not happy or angry... I don't want to feel sad anymore. So instead I get angry. I blame myself for my choices and I turn my sorrow into anger. "I chose this path- this is the consequence." I got in too deep and now I'm drowning in my tears and my anger as I wait.

I said, "You know. I think I understand addicts better than ever." While thinking about what it would be like if a friend of mine went down on me- all sex and no love. "I totally understand. Cause what they're addicted to- it makes them happy." I was so angry and sad I had forgotten in that moment what it felt like to smile and laugh. "And there's never disappointment from it. They don't care that it's killing them because they're dying happy." By now I was wondering if closing my heart off and screwing guys was the only way I'd be able to live without pain.

The next morning I told myself I was okay as I crawled out of bed and wiped the tear stains off my face and promised not to tell a soul about my true feelings. "I'm Okay." Became my new mantra- and with every breath I forced myself to try and put those words into my personality because I had to be okay. I had to learn how to cover my bleeding heart once again after having it exposed for so long. Why had I let it be exposed?

I didn't realize how much this place had changed me until that morning, in which I found myself slipping back into old ways. Hide my heart- hide my mind- smile. They'll buy it all. I thought I had left my last school to change and to be happier but it seems I've left the old me behind only to create a newer old me...

They say people don't change quickly- that it takes time and patience. I guess my desperate ass was so eager to prove one more thing wrong that I ignored all the warnings and told the world "Watch Me". The world did- and now it's laughing at me. "I just want you to be happy." I tried being happy with another guy- and even though it was only a few hours that i tried, I was more often than not faking it. All I could tell myself was 'It's not him' and that everything I did felt wrong.

I thought I'd be okay with being just friends, and I'm glad I wasn't too wrong. When talking to him, in that moment I feel fine- I feel well enough. I feel happy- something he wished for me. Afterwards I feel... hollow. I think back on all we've done together and my heart aches and begins bleeding once again. How is it that I didn't realize before how attached I've become?

I've dug my own grave and now I'm laying down in it- lower than six feet under as I stare up at the forest sky. At the mellow greens swimming in brown and sometimes I think I see soft under hues of blue and I smile because now I'm reading to into it and there really isn't blue- it's just greens and browns. Why would the forest be blue? The forest is constantly changing- sometimes it's green with some brown and then the winds blows and now I'm staring at the branches of brown with so few leaves of green.

Sometimes it's dark as I lay down here- clouds covering the sunlight. The roll of thunder can be heard in the distance but i see no lightening near by and I wonder how long this storm will stay- I wonder if this storm will let lose rain and drown me. It never has- but I still think it might. It's on those stormy days in which the greens are now darker greens and the browns almost black- and the whole forest is brooding and dark but I'm not afraid.

I want to drown in the rain.

I am not afraid of the strength of the storm- of what it could be. I am afraid of the day in which the storm leaves, never to return. In which I'm not in this grave, staring up at the gorgeous trees, and instead in the middle of a meadow- not a single tree in sight. Where the grass will be too green and the only brown will be the dirt as I dig it up.

The day in which the forest has gone and left- disappeared and never coming back- is what I'm afraid of. I'll do anything to keep the forest alive- to keep it lush and growing- to keep it here so I can see the storms pass and the sun come out. I'll stay in this grave and let the world begin to close in on me- and I won't be afraid because I know I'm still in the forest- I'm still watching those greens and browns live in harmony.

I won't be afraid because I'll be happy.