When He Fell

When He Fell-Chapter One

ONE

MADDIE

My phone rings on a Tuesday afternoon, in the middle of a meeting. Not an important meeting, nothing crucial or critical or even remotely urgent. Just a boring meeting to go over new HR procedures for the pharmaceutical company I hate working for. But one of Alwin Pharmaceuticals' policies is no phones in meetings, and so I reach into my bag and switch it to silent without so much as glancing at the screen. My boss, Elena Drummond, gives me a pointed look and an over-loud throat clearing before she continues.

It's only later, when I'm back in my cubicle in a fluorescent-lit office on the fourteenth floor of a nondescript building in midtown, that I happen to glance at it, and then only because it falls out of my bag when I toss it onto my desk.

Missed Call. Ben's School. I put the ID in as Ben's school rather than its full title, The Burgdorf Institute for Committed Learning, because I joke to people, even as I mean it semi-seriously, that it sounds like a mental institution. Sometimes I wonder if it is. I certainly don't fit in with the two kinds of mothers whose children attend Burgdorf. First there are the hippy-dippy types like my friend Juliet; her husband is a board member and hedge fund manager. They could afford to send their three girls to one of Manhattan's best private schools but they chose Burgdorf because they are committed to its 'principles of learning as exploration' as well as Burgdorf's motto, 'Educating The Individual As Well as The Citizen'. Whatever that means.

The other kind of mother at Burgdorf is the pinched and bitterly disappointed woman whose child hasn't been able to get in anywhere else.

And then there is me. And Ben. But we've always been misfits, skirting the periphery of other people's lives. I'm not sure I know how to do or be anything else.

Now I reach for my phone and press a button to return the call, sending up a silent entreaty to whoever cares that Ben isn't in trouble. Again.

He is, as the headmistress of Burgdorf has rather acerbically put it, a lively boy. Lively is Burgdorf's non-pejorative word for ill-behaved. Ben isn't a bad boy; he's just loud and rambunctious and restless. He doesn't always respect boundaries or rules or personal space. He's been in trouble—although Burgdorf never talks about children being in trouble; they just need to be redirected or channeled, as if they are water—for a variety of infractions: talking when the teacher is talking, throwing his pencil across the room, getting up when he is meant to be sitting down, pushing in the playground. Nothing major, but barely a day goes by without me receiving the pale blue form that his teacher, Mrs. Rollins, fills out detailing his latest sin. The note is headed in curly script: We Just Want You To Know.

For the last year I've been skirting around the topic of ADHD with Burgdorf's counselor; no one at the school seems to like labels. And while I don't want to slap a label onto my son, a definite diagnosis, with its accompanying potential solution, even if that comes in the form of prescribed medication, holds some appeal. I work for a pharmaceutical company, after all. I can see how a little Ritalin might improve a situation.

"Burgdorf Institute," Tanya, the receptionist, answers cheerfully. She is twenty-two and interning in the office while she completes her Masters degree in Pedagogical Studies.

"Tanya, it's Maddie Reese. I'm calling about my son Ben—"

"Oh, Maddie." Tanya's cheerful voice turns hushed, tragic. I still, feeling as if my insides have frozen solid. That is not the tone someone uses when your son has thrown one too many spitballs.