The Blue House

Intro

When I was in that moment, when I either had to leave everything that I knew behind or stay with the intention of killing myself, I knew there was only one option. Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed that night. If I would have woke up the next morning with the bruise on my cheek where he had slapped me, in the bed that I had slept in for the many years that I was a prisoner in that house. I don't think I'd be around today, to be completely honest. I probably would've only made it a couple more months before I really couldn't handle any more.

It seems like just yesterday that my mom had called me into her bedroom so that I could use her phone, I was upset because her husband called me fat and then sent me to bed without dinner because I cried about it. When I reached out to grab the phone from her, she grabbed my wrist and threw me into the cinder blocks that they were using to raise their bed off of the floor. I think I was 11 when that happened. I still have the scars on my spine from where the concrete cut me.

People think that those who commit suicide are cowardly, whom of which are too selfish to understand that killing themselves doesn't only solve absolutely nothing but also hurts people who care about them. I've heard this from just about every person who I have asked about the matter, and even some who I didn't have to. Fortunately for me, I'm not one of these people at all. I understand what it's like to be so beaten down, and to hate yourself so much, that offing yourself seems like the only way to make the hurt go away. I get what it's like to cry yourself to sleep every night, wondering just when exactly life is going to take it a bit easier on you. That sometimes when you're hurting so badly inside you forget how to breathe.

Take it from someone who knows what it's like to repeatedly draw the short end of the stick; Life's fucking rough and a lot of the time things don't ever feel like they'll get any better. Sometimes they do and most of the time they don't but the important thing to remember is that the only person who needs to care about you to be happy, is you.

         I'm going to tell you my story. There aren't any heroes in capes or dragons, even though dragons could probably make any story a little better, but there are some things that might shock you. Maybe things that make you cry, hopefully things that make you laugh, but above all things I hope you find something that helps you realize that you are, and always have been, deserving of the kind of happiness that you've always dreamed of being.