I am jordan beard and that simply means that i am myself there is no one exactly like me i am unique. Yeah i may be an assholle sometimes but i can also be kindhearted and caring. I can be lazy but when i'm doing something i love or have motivation to do something no one can stop me. I am hard working and dedicated. I am caring and compassionate. I can be a jerk and an asshole but there is and never be anyone quite like me. But i'm not as simple as the words kind or hardworking it's actually very complicated. I am a combination of anyone that has ever affected me in my life from my mom to a friend in kindergarten. And my emotions i show on the outside are not always how i actually feel. Yes i am overweight and have been most of my life because i was spoiled not i the same way as most but spoiled nevertheless. I was spoiled with food and i was spoiled like that because i had to grow up quickly and that was because that was how i was raised. I was raised to take care of and care for others from the age of all the way until she went into the hospital i would spend every weekend and my entire summers taking care of my diabetic grandma and making sure she was happy and ok. And that has transferred into my everyday life. I am known as the friend that is known as overprotective and caring to much but i can't help it i've been raised to be that way i can't help it that i make everyone else's problems my own. I put everyone else before myself and i push my problems to the back of my mind and distract myself. When i lost my grandmother on september 14th 2014 i was destroyed but i put that in the back of my mind and while i could i would try to help everyone get past their grief while trying to distract myself from my own. Being raised to take care of everyone else i also naturally learned to try to deal with my own and not to ask for help because i was meant to be seen as the strong one of the family. I was everyone's soldier. I was everyone's backbone and everyone's go to. I learned not to let anyone in and not to let anyone see my emotions. And i was an angry kid. And i used to show it before i learned how to control it and it was bad for everyone. I had my uncle teach me how to fight and my excuse was just incase but then i used it without thinking when a kid stole my toy and my response was to get mad and slam him and step on his throat. That was when i realized that the worst feeling is knowing you had no control and that you hurt someone. From that point on no matter what people do i've refused to retaliate. Because i know what i can do and it honestly scares me. Knowing that i can take someone's life or hurt them severely. That is why i refuse to retaliate. There was a day after school in 4th grade where i stopped myself and i think all the time about how i should have handled it and if i did the right thing. On that day a kid that i had a problem with and that always made fat jokes and called me names and i'm fine with that kinda. He decided that he was gonna follow me home and walk with me and i didn't think anything about it at first until he grabbed the back of my bag. And when i told him to let go he got a sadistic sneer on his face and said NO i asked him what are you doing and the look on his face told me it was going to be a long walk home. Within minutes he was pulling back on my bag and spitting on me and i just walked and took it. We got out of school at 215 i did not get home that day until 5 30 he pulled on my bag and spit on me for over 3 hours and i didn't do anything. When i got home at 5 30 i went straight to my room and didn't talk to anyone. My dad came into my room and screamed Why are you just getting home? Where were you? and i just broke down i was crying harder than i had ever cried before and he asked what was wrong and i kept saying nothing nothing happened nothing's wrong. Until he finally calmed me down and lectured me about being able to trust him that i told him about the kid and what he had did and he asked me what i didn't do anything to the kid and said because i was afraid but i wasn't afraid of the kid , my dad didn't know that , i was afraid of what i would have done. I was afraid and still afraid of what i can do. I was afraid of losing control of my emotions and actions. I was afraid of showing anything that would make me look weak or vulnerable because i am supposed to be the calm collected the strong and steady soldier of the family that isn't afraid of anything and will do anything that needs to be done. I'm not supposed to have problems. That is who i am. I'm the soldier of the family that everyone depends on. I'm the kid that grew up too fast and i'm the kid who bottles up his emotions until he breaks but i am jordan beard and there is no one quite like me.
