What's been on my mind lately.. No Judging here, please.

March 11th, 2017

~ Well, I have just been thinking about my past friendships/relationships/fuck my life. I have had many relationships (Bisexual here), but there is one that stands out over the other ones. The relationship I had with my best friend, we aren't as close as we were before we dated. I guess that's what happens right? They say 'never date your best friends, it'll never be the same.' I believe in that now. I have lost so many friends because of the stupid ass relationships. Anyways, let's dive into what the fuck happened and why I regret everything.

~It all started 2 years ago, 7th grade when I first met her. At this moment in time, I was in a relationship, and I was happy-ish. There is a quote that defined my situation, "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, You wouldn't have fallen for the second.-Johnny Depp".  The guy I was dating at the time, was very conceited. I had secretly been planning on dumping him, but my guilt had stopped me every time. Then, this girl came into our math class. My eyes immediately snap in the direction of her. I can feel my face heating up, as the teacher instructs her to sit in the vacant seat next to me. I move my feet and Try to mind my own business. I knew from the moment I saw her we would be close. Most people thought she was mental, honestly, I thought it was hot. The way she dressed, the smartass remarks, her smile pretty much drove me crazy. I had kept my feelings toward her, to myself, I was afraid she would shrink away from me if I had told her what I think of her. One day we partnered up for an assignment in our English class. Of course, we got off topic, and we started to talk about who we liked. She said very bluntly, that when she first got here she had a crush on me. In my head I was freaking the fuck out, on the outside, I locked eyes with her. I asked her why she didn't tell me, her reasoning was the same as mine.

~ Fast forward to 8th grade, we are the seniors of this middle school. We are closer than ever. Calling each other as soon as we get home, talking about the whole day, talking what might happen tomorrow. My feelings toward her were stronger than ever. At the time I was dating my Ex-girlfriend. One night we started talking, and we got in depth about relationships. Then we got on the subject of low-key dating (at this point my girlfriend broke up with me). I was down with the idea, and so was she. We talked about everything, every night. I really loved her. I felt we had a deeper connection than I've ever had with someone. me, my father, my uncle, and her went to a late birthday dinner for me (my birthday has just passed). Afterward, my father took me to spend the night at her house. I had a slight feeling her parents knew, and they didn't like it. She had to babysit a little child, (P.S. I hate children, and she was a pussy blocker). She had finally fallen asleep. We laid down and started to watch Suicide Squad. We had locked the door, for good measures. We started to make out, then next thing I know, she's on top of me giving me A hickey. I thought this was hot, in the moment. Then the worst possible thing that could've happened, happened. Her mother started to bang on the door, obviously pissed. She called her child downstairs and Then gave her a nice long 15-minute lecture. Then I was called downstairs, her mother explained to me that she didn't mind that we were dating. What she minded was the locked door. Then I told her about what had happened to me as a child. Dealing with my abusive mother. Then we watched a scary movie.

~ A couple months pass and we have broken up because of my mother. At the time, we weren't speaking. One weekend day, I'm scrolling through Instagram. I find her mother On one of those "people you may know" things, and as a joke, I send a follow request to her. I figured she would just ignore it, and go about her life. But, after me and her daughter broke up, she wasn't very fond of me. I couldn't blame her. I liked her daughter, I really did. But that choice wasn't my choice, it was my mothers, I don't think she understood that. I come to school the following Monday, and I walk into my second elective; Chorus. I set my Chromebook and hoodie on the desk in the back. Then all I hear Is her voice yelling my name, I look up to see her angrily stomping towards me. She puts her things on her desk, making sure not to slam her Chromebook. She comes up to me and yells at me, "What is wrong with you? You must have actually lost your goddamned mind. I can't believe you would do that." At this moment, I am so confused. I look at her with a confused look on my face, and she takes notice and keeps yelling, " Don't play dumb! You tried to follow my mother on Instagram! You know she doesn't like you! And I got bitched at for you being a complete idiot. What the actual fuck is wrong with you?" I look at her and I try to stay calm as she turns her back towards me. She walks off and goes to sit on the risers, while a couple of my friends go over to her and try to figure out what's wrong while I am standing against a wall with people staring at me. A friend of mine started to yell at her, but I never figured out what he said. I just slump into my seat and don't speak for the rest of the class period. Minutes have gone by, feeling like an eternity. I look at the clock and realize that it's almost time to go. I stand up walk over to the door. I see her go over to her desk, across the room from where I was sitting and she has the look of anger and frustration on her face.

~She picks up her Chromebook and notices someone has written on it. I see her go to the teacher and the teacher has made an announcement, "someone has written on this girls Chromebook who was it?". I had a feeling nobody was going to come forward. The next day I come into the same class period, and I'm immediately pulled to the side. The teacher says to me, "The SRO has said you and Emily, shouldn't hang around each other." I disregard this, I wait until 3rd period and walk out of class to see the SRO. I talk to her, and she is pretty much telling me EVERYONE (except the people I was sitting near) has said they are positive that I wrote on her Chromebook. Even the SRO believed it. She never even asked me for My side of the story. That day, I was almost arrested.But I knew that if her parents were going to press charges onto me, that I would go to the Juvenile Detention Center. I'm not scared of the Juvenile Detention Center, I'm worried that I might have this little target above me now.

~ Months Pass, and we still haven't spoken. Her birthday passes, I see her walking from class to class with a dress on. I figure her family still hates me, I wouldn't blame them. I have cut off all contact with her, I feel guilty. I can't believe this has happened to us, It has hurt me so bad. I've sat up for nights thinking about the conversations we have had. I notice that she has replaced me, with a new person. Someone she calls her mental buddy. Like I haven't been here, for her when she was about to do something drastic. I tried to help her, I tried so hard. It broke my heart to see that I'm so replaceable to her. I thought she said 'Forever'. I just want her to know that I thought we were forever, I thought we were sisters. I guess Nothing lasts forever. Sorry. I just told you in 1445 words that I am Not ok :).