The Real Definition Of Cancer

The last appointment

entry 1:

Hello. My name is Ronny. I'm a girl and I have a big brother that visits on a regular basis.
His name is Sam.
I don't know how to start this "journal thing".
Dr. Krenshaw said to keep my spirits up and hopeful and that I should keep a journal of all the things that happen in my life.
You shoud probably know I have cancer. Leukemia. I've been fighting it since I was 15 and I am now 18.
I barely feel the radiation anymore.
It used to hurt especially the first time. But, I'm supposed to be writing about good things...I think.

Kal said I looked healthy today. Beautiful even. But he tells me this everday. I know he is lying.
Because he is the one who sees the bruises my body are covered in. He knows it's worse than it seems.
I love Kal and I feel bad for him. He picked a sick girl. Kal and I have been together for two years. We met on that night; the night my dad told me I didn't need to go back to school.
I had run away from home one night and was sitting at the bench of a park my dad would take me to when things were normal. Before Cancer and needles. I cried for a long time.

And now here he was holding my hand in the doctors office waiting for the news of my condition.
Questions racing through his mind. questions like, "will she die?" "is she really as bad as she looks?" "how bad is the damage? really?"
He squeezed my hand and his mouth curved up at the side. Barely a smile. He knew he was losing me. But he just didn't know when.
"Well it looks like it has spread to your lungs." said Dr. Krenshaw sitting at his shiny mahogany desk.
I looked over at Kal's leg. He was bouncing his leg out of nervousness.
I had seen this many times so I knew. I was a bit more relaxed. I have been warned my whole life, watched all the cancer movies so I knew.
The reality of dying was so close I could feel it literally.
Kal didn't talk to me all the way to his car. He just kept glancing over at me and giving me that forced bit of a smile. I knew he was disappointed in me. and I was too. Not because of my decision, but because I couldn't keep myself alive like everyone else in the world.
"Babe, you know I'm behind whatever decision you make...it's just gunna be a hard one to swallow this time."
I nodded and said, "I know...I know and I'm sorry."
he sighed and got in his dads old volkswagen.
The interior of the roof was starting to crumble off in little fuzz balls where People had written their names in it.
I never looked up at it because it would fall in my eyes and burn.
The gliding of the car relaxed me.
That would be something I'd miss dearly. I closed my eyes and laid my head against the window to feel the sun on my eyes. I felt like right now, was the perfect time to tell my story. What happened after that night in the park. With me, and Kal.