Seven

Library Love

Libraries, there's something so safe about them. I suppose that's not true at all, I suppose they're as dangerous as everywhere else. I just feel safer inside the city library, my hair piled on top of my head, scraped up into a mess just to get it out of my way. They're a place I can escape, I guess.

It's totally usual for me to see Namjoon there, reading or researching. He's busy since he became an idol, but we used to be classmates once, I guess it's quite a while ago. I'm not even sure he remembers me.

I don't think he's even seen me while we're in the library together. Every time I see him he's reading or looking for a book. I'll be honest I've had a crush on him for the longest time, ever since our first day at school together, when he ran straight into me and my armful of books without looking and then apologized so sincerely and tried to help me pick all the books up. It hurts I guess to think he's forgotten I even exist, when we used to be friends back in school.

That makes it sound like we were super close, it's not really like that, not at all. We used to be lab partners and study buddies. He was always so busy with his rapping, he was always striving to do better, it didn't leave much room for close friendships, at least not with me.

I saw him, them in concert once, I love their music. He totally deserves the recognition he's gotten, he was always so talented and I'm glad he got where he wanted to be with people who seem to really be close with him. It's just bittersweet, knowing he's so close and yet so far away from me, seeing him all the time at the city library.

He was cute you know, at school, his dark eyes and sweet smile. His dimples showing every time with those beautiful teeth and his smiling eyes. Now, I don't even have words, he's so manly, such a gentleman. Sometimes I see him reading a book, a black jacket hanging off a chair near him, his arms stretched across the back of it leaning over the book he's reading and I swear it gives me chills. I wish he'd look at me, just once and see me, look straight into my eyes, I think my heart would flip, burst out of my chest and land on the floor.

I thought he might notice me, last week, I spotted him and i was walking in a fog, like a dream, when i walked straight into the librarian. I made quite a noise, but he didn't even look up from his book. I should just... who am I kidding? As if he'd even think of me in anyway but another hopeless fan.

God, I sound like such a loser. I have friends, good friends, and I have a great life. I'm studying for my bachelor degree, that's why I'm always in the library, though as you've probably guessed it's not my only reason. At least not these days.

The librarian was asking about a book I borrowed a couple of days ago, apparently someone was asking for it. I told him that I'd bring it in tomorrow, I'm nearly done with it in any case, he looked relieved.

Oh god, he's standing up, Namjoon, he's coming over here where I'm standing next to the bookcase. He's not looking at me, he's looking at the bookshelf and then at piece of paper, oh god, I can't be here. I dashed behind the bookshelf just as he came over, my heart racing in my chest, my hands shaking. What's the matter with me? I've been wishing for weeks that he notice me and now when he actual might have I chicken out.

I ended up just going home. I spent the night kicking myself and listening to BTS,

The next day, after classes, i went back to the library just like always. I'd brought the book the librarian had asked me about and just as I was bringing it to the desk and talking to the librarian, Namjoon came to the desk to ask for the book I was returning.
"Hi, i was inquiring about the book," he asked politely, and then mentioning it by name.
"Yes, of course, this young lady was just returning it actually," said the librarian gesturing at me.
He looked at me, how was I still standing. I think I must have blushed with his eyes on me.
"Oh my god! It's been years!" He exclaimed, he smiled at me, that cute dimpled smile of his, his eyes lighting up the one that had thrilled me since the day we'd met all those years ago.
"Hi Namjoon," I said with a little cough, my mouth was as dry as the desert.
"Hey, are you busy now?" He asked sort of casually, I was feeling anything but casual.
"No, I was just going to study, but no I'm not busy," i said my voice barely louder than a whisper and yet he seemed to hear me.
"There's a coffee place in the building, maybe we could go and grab a cup?" He asked. Oh my god, he was asking me to go to coffee with him. My heart started pumping really hard. I know this sounds like a total fan girl but I just nodded, I could barely speak, the guy I had a crush on all this time wanted to go have coffee with him, was I dreaming? I tried to calm myself, it was only coffee, not marriage. When I returned to my senses Namjoon was asking the librarian to hold the book for him.
"Shall we go?" He said opening the door to the hallway open for me. When I passed him I got an aroma of his aftershave, I could feel my heart doing backflips inside my chest. We crossed the hall and went into the library coffee shop, I hadn't really been in there before, we ordered at the bar and found a table, he pulled my chair out for me. I think I may have collapsed into it, I was shaking a little.
"So, um..." he said, "how are you?" I gulped a little and tried to compose myself,
"I'm fine, busy studying for my bachelor's, and I know you must be busy, you've become so successful!" I replied my voice still low and nervous.
"Oh, yeah, with the group," he chuckled as if he were nervous too, but what did he have to be nervous about? He's a super star, with a huge fan base, handsome, smart and talented and I'm a nobody student doing my degree, "It does keep me pretty busy! So I guess you must have a boyfriend or someone..."
"Me? No, lots of friends but no romance, I guess I'm too preoccupied with my studies. What about you?" I asked, praying the answer didn't kill me.
"What, me? Um... no... I guess I'm still not over this crush I had in high school," he said kind of stuttering. My heart sank, a hot girl from our class, who he still in love with, I thought my life was over.
"I guess, you'll have to find her," I said smiling bravely. They brought over the coffees and I suddenly didn't want to drink mine.
"Oh shit!" He said under his breath, "I guess, I'm going to have come clean, huh?"
"It was really nice seeing you again Namjoon," I said picking up my coffee cup.
"Look, I..." he started, looking up at me. He looked into my eyes and I was transfixed, those beautiful dark eyes of his, I was trapped in their gaze, "I'm sorry, I lied to the librarian, I didn't want that book, I just saw you taking it out and I wanted an excuse to talk to you!"
My mouth must have dropped open because he raised my chin and closed it for me.
"I... I.." I stuttered, "you never even seemed to notice me!"
"I saw you about a month ago, and I was going to come over and say hi, remember me from school, but you were so busy writing a paper, I didn't want to disturb you," he said, still looking deeply into my eyes. Was I even breathing?, "I had the biggest crush on you in high school, but I was focused on music and rapping I didn't think it was fair to have someone like you in my life if I couldn't give you everything you deserved. Then I saw you in the library and the feelings came rushing back!"
"But you seemed so engrossed in your books?" I stuttered, "every time I looked over you were absorbed in reading!"
"Not really," he said, taking hold my hand as he kept looking at me, "I finished researching two weeks ago but I couldn't not see you, even if I wasn't brave enough to talk to you. Then I finally got the courage to talk to you yesterday, so I lied to the librarian to have an excuse, but you were standing looking for a book, all your hair piled on your head looking so hot that I had to try and talk to you but you ran away, so I pretend to look for a book and went back to my chair.  I didn't want to freak you out."
"But, you didn't even look up when I crashed into the librarian last week," I said still unable to process what he'd said to me.
"I didn't dare," he sighed, "I looked up for a second, but I knew if I saw your beautiful eyes I'd be a complete disaster and make a complete fool of myself. Like I'm doing now!"
"I've spent the last month thinking you'd forgotten all about me, as if I'd never existed," I said finally realizing what idiots we'd been!
"Me? I thought you hated me for never keeping in touch!" He said. Suddenly I was looking at his mouth, those beautiful lips that made me long for his kisses. I gulped again, my breath ragged as if I'd been running.
"No, I could never hate you, I've always admired you even if I never told you I've had a crush on you ever since you crashed into me on the first day of school!" I said a little braver, "Yesterday, I went home wishing I was dead because I'd been too frightened you wouldn't remember me to talk to you."
"So, if you have time, we could maybe have dinner together, one night?" He asked and he honestly sounded hopeful, like I might have said no before. My head was spinning I swear, I was sitting next to my high school crush, a super successful rapper and he was holding my hand and telling me how much of a crush he'd always had on me. I pinched myself.
"Ouch!"
"What was that for?" He asked concerned.
"I thought I might be dreaming! I'd love to have dinner with you!" I said looking back into his eyes, losing myself in them.
"Will you... give me your number?" He stuttered. I smiled at him, and pulled a piece of paper out of my notebook. In a moment of hair frustration I'd put my pen in my hair and so I pulled it out letting my hair fall down to my shoulders and wrote my number down on the paper. When I looked back at him, his eyes were wide, he stood up, and pulled me up by the hand. Once I'd stood up he took my face in his two hands and tilted my face up to place his full pouting lips on mine. I closed my eyes and fell into his kiss, as if I were diving into a chocolate lake, I felt my knees begin to tremble with the lust that was gently filling my body from his deep, passionate kiss. I took hold of his lapels and pulled him in closer, deepening our kiss until I thought I might melt into a puddle. I never wanted it to end but eventually we pulled away, he looked at me like he'd found something and in that second I felt found, as if I'd been lost all this time and now he'd found me and I'd never be lost again. He looked down at the table and picked up my phone number written on the scrap of paper and put it in his breast pocket and then took my hand.
"You're not busy, are you?" He asked. I shook my head, "Good, I really need to introduce you to the guys, and I don't think I can let you go yet!"
He was still holding my hand, and we left the library then. I met the guys that night, they are as great as I'd imagined and Namjoon took me to dinner, he never stopped holding my hand that day. If I went to the ladies room he kissed my fingers before he'd let my hand go, and then claim my hand as soon as I'd got back. I swear I floated, and then he took me home that evening and kissed me again and I knew I'd never be able to love another. He'd be the man of my life, even if he left me, I'd never love another.