My life has never been roses and sunshine. I could go on and on about how I grew up in a broken household, a junkie prostitute for a mother who pimped me out to every paying customer that didn't mind sleeping with a minor.
But no, this is really ab...
I can't believe I caved. I can't believe I told Angelo all those things. Dammit! I hope he keeps his word this time. It's not just my heart on the line but my cub's as well.
D'Angel and I spoke about his father coming to see him and he's excited I think. He bathed and brushed his hair without bellowing at me for once. I was in the kitchen when the knock came and froze for a second wondering whether or not to sneak out of my own house with my cub.
"Ma! Get the door!"
"I'm going boy!" I smacked myself in the face. God, we'd be like this forever bellowing at each other.
"Hi," I forced a smile at Angelo, damn he looked good.
"Uh hey? You look beautiful," Angelo drawls looking me up and down then catching himself when I glared.
"Gosh, I'm sorry. Well you do look great in those jeans and gah... do over?" he asked hopefully when I pursed my lips in that 'I'm gonna go ape shit on your ass' kind of way.
"Hello Angelo. D'Angel is in the living room so follow me," I hid my smile when a huff of relief left Angelo.
"So this is him," D'Angel and Angelo stared down each other.
"This is my dead beat dad?" D'Angel asks in disbelief as he gave me those big cat eyes filled with anger.
"Uh... yea? That's me?" Angelo frowned and looked at me. Heh Heh, don't look at me, I'm as confused as you are.
"D'Angel! Don't be rude!" I snapped at the cub.
"Your father didn't know about you because I didn't tell him," I said "I told you this," I added through gritted teeth.
"So? He still left you. I bet he knew you loved him but he still left," my son glares at his father, whose jaw was hanging down to his chest. I never told D'Angel about what happened between his father and I.
"I'll get to know you cause Ma wants me to but stay away from my Ma. He's cried enough over you," D'Angel snaps and sits back down on the sofa as if he didn't just serve his dad.
"I'm so sorry Angelo," I whispered, "I don't know what's gotten into him. I never told him about us."
Angelo looks at me, big sad cat eyes and his bottom lip trembled for a second before he took a deep breath.
"I may be a cub Ma but these walls are paper thin to us. I hear you at night when you think I'm sleeping, I hear you cry for him and every tear made me hate him more." D'Angel says over his video game and I just stared at the boy.
I looked to Angelo and he stared back at me in this way. It made me feel all jittery inside; hope and longing and regret all rolled into one.
"Sydney, can we talk, privately?" Angelo asks and I nodded leading him out back to the swing set in the yard.
"I'm sorry." I finally say after a few minutes of silence.
"I don't know what to say. He was so excited to meet you." I mumbled.
"Yea, to rip me a new asshole." Angelo mutters and I winced slightly.
"Don't worry, he doesn't stay mad for long. Maybe we can try again on Saturday? I'll cook dinner." I offered with a weak smile.
"That sounds great." Angelo says with a forced smile of his own.
"What he said, about you crying?" Angelo trailed off.
"It's nothing. Just some days were harder than others... It was difficult sometimes... being alone with a cub to take care of. I didn't know what to do with him. How to take care of him. I never had any good parental examples and most days I winged it," I smiled remembering how frustrating it was to choose the correct formula and cereal, pampers, the right sizes of clothes. No one to turn to for help. Alone.
"But I'm better now," I smiled genuinely "I've accepted how my life turned out. Just look at me now, I've got a healthy cub, a house, a good life now," I looked up at Angelo while he rocked me gently on the swing.
"That's good. For what it's worth I really am sorry," he says softly, his fingers resting lightly on my shoulder.
"I know. We were young, stupid kids after different things," I said placing my hand over his on my shoulder. We both wanted the opposite things, me; a family and him revenge on his brother.
"I miss you," Angelo grunts and I quickly pulled my hand away while his tightened a bit on my shoulder. He said 'miss' as in present tense and not 'missed' as in past tense.
"I can't help but imagine sometimes Sydney. What we could have been if I wasn't such a selfish prick. I could have had you," he says, voice sounding rough with emotion.
"You had me Angelo," I whispered, "you had me but things are different now. I can't... not anymore. Those dreams and hopes that you'd show up and take the hurt away," I paused, I might regret these words but I'm different now. Stronger.
I didn't look at him; instead I looked at the tree tops bathed in golden sunlight.
"I'm not that broken boy anymore; so eager for affection, searching for a connection," I finally looked at Angelo when his hand left my shoulder.
"I don't need you Angelo. I did once and I'm still healing from it. I don't wish for you anymore. I don't wonder 'what if' anymore," the tears fell silently, release and relief. Testament that I am strong on my own. As if purging me from all the pain and grief, taking away the hurt he once caused me. I felt lighter. Free.
"I know. I can see that I'm the last thing you need right now but believe me when I say that I really did love you Sydney. Sometimes I think I still do. That two months was the happiest time of my life," Angelo murmured and my heart flipped. I couldn't say anything so I just nodded and took a shuddering breath before forcing the lump in my throat down.
"And I loved you too Angelo," he looks at me, like he used to, like I dreamt of him doing.
"Bye Sydney," Angelo says softly after a few moments of silence. I nod. He walks away, hands in his pockets and on his fourth step I called to him.
"Angelo!" he spun around in time to catch me as I collided into his chest, my legs around his waist and my lips on his.
I kissed him, with all I had, showing him the love I felt, still feel and he returned it hugging me tightly, fingers digging into my flesh.
"Bye Angelo," I whispered against his lips. His eyes flashed with pain, changing color for a moment when he realized I wasn't just saying goodbye to him but to us.
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A/N
Been a while since I've done shout outs so here goes...
