i couldn't help it.
i couldn't help the piano boy lacing through my every thought that night, and i couldn't help the itch in my fingertips that urged me to coat them in blue and smear it onto every wall of my house, like i would otherwise forget what the colour looked like in anything but his eyes. i couldn't help my mind from wondering to him when i played with my dinner and i couldn't help it from staying there when i stared at my ceiling, covered in soft glowing stars.
it felt good, to lie there with nothing but my pleasant thoughts. it was like floating on your back in still water and watching the clouds pass over you slowly, the sun filtering through only just enough to warm your skin but not too much as to make you squint. unfortunately, my gentle and peaceful thoughts were disrupted by a slam of a door downstairs. i jolted, like you do when you're half asleep and have one of those weird dreams where you stack a bike, or fall off a cliff.
it was a familiar feeling.
ma had always had guys around. since i was little, i'd meet new ones every week. some were intolerable , some were fine. the thing they all had in common, though, was that none of them stuck around. i didn't blame ma. it wasn't her fault dad walked out and it wasn't her fault she was sensitive and it wasn't her fault she just wanted something.
someone.
it wasn't a vulgar thing though. sure, some of the guys were sleazy, and ma would end up crying, or yelling, or both, but she wasn't looking for that. she was looking for love. and i understood that, but when she came home at 2am with alcohol on her breath and cigarette smoke in her hair, laughs erupting from her lips or mascara running down her cheeks, i couldn't help the twinge of disappointment in my chest. i couldn't help wanting her to look after me, and make me soup when i was sick or rub my back when i had had a bad day. but it was me over the stove when she was buried in a pile of snotty tissues and coughs, and it was my hand rubbing circles into her back as tears dripped from her chin.
-
lying oily and limp on a paper plate before me, my pizza slice looked like it was going to drown in it's own grease, and i nearly retched. i couldn't eat with the growing ball of nerves tangling in the pit of my stomach as i watched the doors to the cafeteria swing open and shut. my piano boy hadn't walked through yet. part of me was wondering if i should just get up and go look for him myself. he could be a band kid, sitting in the music room with his slimy school food on a plastic dish behind a music stand. or maybe he was a theatre boy, talking with the aspiring actors and actresses, wearing shitty costumes made of hot glue and cheap felt in the auditorium. perhaps even a jock with a secret love for music, though it seemed unlikely. the softness in the glow of his skin and the peace in his movements were all too sweet for him to hang out with those people. he wouldn't fit in. but he'd fit in with me.
"jacob!" hari's shriek was paired with a kick to the shin and my gaze shifted from the door to her rich teenage granddad get-up she adorned today. navy plaid dress pants and matching bow-tie, black suspenders and a white button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up, a vest over it all and a coat in her hand. she sat down across from me with a smiley pale girl who had a plate of a sloppy, vibrant orange substance on top of rubbery rice in her hands. i had seen her at rehearsal with hari yesterday. she played clarinet.
i reached down and rubbed my leg, "what the fuck, that hurt," i mumbled, eyes shifting back to the doors and i swore, for a moment, i caught a glimpse of a semi-familiar head of tousled brown hair. i didn't even see his face, but i knew it was him. it was in the way he walked, even if i only saw a single step. i hit my knee on the table as i fumbled to get up, electricity shooting through my chest and to my fingertips, making my heart pound. i tripped over my own legs, catching myself on the side of somebody else's table and i felt my face burn. apologising, i stumbled to the wide metal doors, looking out into the hallways. no piano boy.
damn it.
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hi lovlies
this took so much longer than necessary to get up and it's a bit short and filler-y but the next chap will be hecka cute so !!!
i love u babs !
also i love u @-isaks my sweet <3
-mira
