❁ Finally Writing For Me ❁

Writing

♣What A Nice Outlet♣

I find it pretty easy to get mad, or anything really. But my family can really push my buttons... hard. I get this anger and it makes me ball my hands into fists, it makes me want to laugh and cry; I hope that doesn't make me sound crazy.

Sometimes I think I have anger issues; or if its the rest of my family does. I have lots of homework that I should be doing right about now. I am what I like to call myself a perfectionist that procrastinates too much- spending all her time on the internet, wishing I had money to buy everything in urban outfitters but gets no job; horrible person who debates between buying carrot cake from Food Lion for her personal eating desires or buying an awesome present for her cousin that gets crappy presents from a screw up of a father and a neglect of a mother.

But I only have $19, I had $20/$20 before but I spent that on cake... I guess I'm going with the present... gosh I'm such a horrible person for even considering cake.

You know what comes with the whole perfectionist that procrastinates too much-spending too much time on the internet personality?

Guilt, but not just normal guilt its this kind of guilt that feels that someone's clawing my insides out. It hurts which is weird I never thought that guilt could hurt that much but it does and while writing this I feel like crying.

I kinda just dream-well more like imagine myself a whole different person with a different life, one that seems a little more freeing, its a bit exciting.

This life; Its pretty awesome if I say so. I picture doing everything that I am too scared to do including having someone to love and not run in the opposite direction because what I feel is-terrifying;its a feeling that I never liked feeling even with my family and I'm afraid that most likely I'll mess it up but if that's still the same in that whole other alternative universe, I would want them to understand who hard it is.

Now wouldn't that be a hell of a life?

As I am writing this I am listening to The Funeral by Band of Horses. Curled my hair and put a little mascara because- well..simply because I felt like it.

It's currently 7:58pm Thursday., January30th- 2014 and I don't really know why I have the need for you to know this but if you were next to me and I was spouting platitudes about anger issues, cake, my family and urban outfitters or the type of person I'd like to be, I'd really hope you would still find it interesting even tho I am not- I'd like to imagine you'd still be interested.

You Give love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi just came on, I love that song.

I don't really know what this is-but I think I'm writing this because no one wants to listen to me and I feel rejected when no one wants to listen and I'm scared they'll wave me off Like all the other times...

Maybe they'll be more of these, I kind of liked doing this. I guess its true what they say- Writing is an outlet.

♣Paradise by Coldplay just came on. Gotta love that fucking coldplay. ♣