It's not really my fault just it's anxiety afraid of being judged by the way I look,the way I act,and what I'm wearing it's just my mind racing to much to I want people to like me that's all even it's a strange and the only way I vaulted myself is how many guys checked me out or girls I know it's wrong but in my mind I'm like"if people are looking at you up or down then your damn fine"that's what I repeating In my mind I hate myself for and sometimes I wonder I make women look bad sometimes that's what I think because I'm slutty and a big whore and I hate myself for that I want to be cocky like how I act when I'm around my boyfriend or my friends but I can't and I know the girls in my school are judging my ever move in every second they look at me weird because I don't like Melanie Martinez or pop or hip hop in that matter I like metal and hardcore death metal hell my favorite band was slipknot for a while but I really love tool now and people judge me for that and my makeup I do sometimes I don't do fancy makeup like them and now I don't wear makeup anymore people keep telling me I'm prettier with it and the majority said I look prettier without it and I'm switching between sides I just want to please people people think I'm a freak because of the things I drawl and I feel wrong about being annoyed when someone goes through my art book without asking and when I do say something they act like I'm the bad guy and I believe it I thought about stop wearing glasses because they said I'm more beautiful without them I did and my eyes hurt all day but I think it was worth it because people kept starring at me like checking me out and I felt good sometimes I wonder I should trade my intelligence for a attitude it seems guys at my school value an attitude sexy women without a single political thought or say in anything or important problems in the world we live in sometimes I feel like my boyfriend even compares me to other girls he does talk his ex's and how hot they were and stuff and it brings me down to the point I wanna cry because I'm not good enough and when I do the same he makes me the bad guy I act perverted to prove I can be sexy to guys and humorous to my friends i wink at guys in public so I can feel confident and sexy it's fun for a while then it seems like a tiring game I act confident to my boyfriend so he thinks I'm sexy or different fronts other girls I try to look my best for him but every time I look in the mirror in the bathroom at school smearing that lipstick he licks I know which one he likes he likes the one that not to bright red and when I mess up I wipe it away and to see my ashy dry lips because Im not drinking enough water and my sickly appearance because I'm not eating enough and I keep thinking I'm not good enough not for anybody not for my boyfriend either it's okay he's probably fucking with my anyways because this might sound stupid because one of my friends told him what's the meaning of love to you? And he replied Fucking with them and they told me and it hurt but I stayed because I love him sometimes I lay awake at night and look in a handle bar mirror and I point out every imperfection on my face and get up and point out every imperfection on my body because I have scares on my stomach when those girls called me fat and I craved fat into my stomach and another said I was a slut and I craved in my chest I have a birthmark on my stomach that I dearly hate I hate my eyes because their the color of shit brown and that's not attractive people say I have the most beautiful brown eyes they ever seen but I don't believe them and I remember a boy hit me on the face because I don't believe in a god I never did since I was in kindergarten and I think he actually had the right to hit me honestly because of the guilt I wanted to cry I just wanted to cry I act tough but inside I'm a big baby and I remember this time someone read my journal and embarrassed me in front of her friends because of this boy I liked I wanted to cry but I know nobody would care about me crying unless you are popular and suddenly everyone gives a shit I wish I was popular Sometimes to see how everyone is faking to care and talking shit behind me back but hey at least people care I know my friends care but sometimes I don't they do I grew to hate ever piece of me because people told me I wasn't good enough and that I was worthless but hey at least you have teachers wait no they barley do shit because I'm a piece of shit a teacher called me whore once this is what I all remember about myself....
