The Cost of Love

The Difference Between Moths and Fireflies

The Differences between Moths and Fire Flies

A whirlwind of events soon had uplifted me and taken me to a new place full of promises and hope. I had gotten into CSU East Bay and would be entering undergraduate courses with my major undeclared. It was through Ramen that I had learned how to conduct myself with interviews and learn to be assertive in scholastic and formal settings. He helped me apply for financial aid and helped me find a job with the work study program. I felt that this was all a great start for me, all of this within days after my birthday. I was nineteen and life was moving forward even my relationship with Ruby had improved greatly. I was going to church with her during bible study every Wednesday and to Sunday morning services. I had always kept my hand balled up at life making a strong fist to defend myself with, holding tightly onto what I had so tight at times that blood poured from them. It seems that both Ruby and Ramen each took one of my hands, and taught me that a fist held high in anger only hurts the user and protects  no one; that by opening it up we are free to hold more than we did before.

    Ramen had become a welcome guest in Ruby’s house and often had a plate waiting for him. However it was on one occasion when he had brought a friend of his to dinner with him that I found something that I wanted to hold onto. She showed up out of the blue at my door step with Ramen one day.

    ‘”Hey Mikey this is my friend Elisea and she will be joining us on our trip to Alcatraz today, I hope you don’t mind.” I looked at both of them but she really caught my eye. She was tall for a female about 5 feet 8 with caramel skin and full lips, thick lush black hair that seemed to be cascading down to her chest like a waterfall.

    “No I don’t mind, the more the merrier right?” I think she caught me staring at her lips and she smiled.

    “My eyes are right here” She pointed to her eyes and smiled.

    “Yeah sorry about that my dad just taught me how to admire beauty.” I shot a small smile to her and she returned it.

    “Looks like he taught you good taste too.” She grabbed one of my hands and placed it in between both of hers. “It’s nice to meet you Michael, let’s all have fun today.” We all hopped into Ramen’s car and took off towards the bay. We were young letting the wind blow through us as we traveled without moment’s hesitation to the closest object of fun. Letting brown skin bath and sunlight at the shore of San Francisco we did arrive, washing as water broke against the rocks I felt alive.

    We found a Ferry to Alcatraz Island and huddled closely together to it, like immigrant families clinging to each other for warmth. She leaned against the rail as the water pushed the ferry from side to side and I couldn’t help but think of going up behind her and wrapping my arms around her. I kept dreaming of scenarios of that allowed me to hold her like the ferry’s rough trip tossing her into my arms. I walked up behind her and put my arms besides her; she laughed and put her hands around mine. Then she said something that broke the romantic moment and filled it with hilarity, “Is this the part where I stand on the railing and put my arms out and say I’m the queen of the world?” She looked back and smiled. I laughed at her Titanic reference and held her tighter.

    “Could you get used to this?” My head lay on her shoulder and I could smell the scent of peach conditioner on her hair. “Of course I could I let all my gay friends hold me and sleep next to each other.” I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, I thought I was making a good impression and moving somewhere but she thought I was gay. Though she gave me friendly words I couldn’t help but feel cold.

    “Am I interrupting something?” Ramen said walking with two hot chocolates in his hand and a wide face smile in heart. He handed each of us a cup and I felt his soft hands again. Before I could answer she did “No we are just cuddling up, you know you’re the only fag for me.” Another painful punch to my stomach. We sat at the isle for a minute she pulled out her camera and was taking pictures with Ramen following in suite posing along with her.

    “You Guys are so amazing and passionate like you’re both full of light and fire” They stopped frolicking and stared at me.

    “What do you mean by that Mikey?” Ramen dropped his drink and walked towards me grabbing her hand.

    “You guys are like fireflies filled up with your own light giving beauty and life to the night, chased after in fields by kids who haven’t learned to stop dreaming. And I’m like a moth growing in darkness and chases after the light of a fire until I’m destroyed.”

    “Don’t be stupid and poetic, you’re a firefly too people are attracted to that glow you have too. Maybe because you are glowing by yourself in the dark, all you see is that darkness. You’re not alone this time so you can see our light too. We aren’t bugs we are people, we create and destroy we love and we hate.” Elisa’s voice resounded in me, both she and Ramen struck a chord in me and music began to play. I am happy and I want to make them both happy too. As I contemplated this I heard the sound of her shutter closing several times over.

    “You looked lost and thought so I took a picture of you, so if you get lost in thought again you have a road map back home.” They were both people whom I could love and might love me one day. Life is filled with possibilities and regret at those not taken, and at roads ventured but also filled with excitement. I was at a fork in the road and I enjoyed this view before I would have to make a choice.

We all stood on the island for an hour more before the sky began to become filled with grey clouds. We took Ramen’s car to Costco and got some polish dogs and sat on the benches while it rained. We were fools for letting ourselves get soaked in the rain, but it united the three of us. There was a playground across from the Costco we were at and Elisea had spotted it, so we ran to it, I sat on the drenched swings being pushed back in fourth by Mother Nature. I closed my eyes for a few moments and I could remember how my mom used to take me to Costco when I was little in Oakland. The higher I kept going the more I seemed to be pushed into the past, the rain held memories of my first kiss with a girl Amanda Perez. Of my first time hearing “I love you” and knowing they meant it, of leaving the city for the first time. My last memory being of Ricardo chasing after me to comfort me after having a client beat me.

It was our first job together as escorts and we held hands together up to the fourth floor of the Hilton. It was there we met a middle aged pilot who had to stay grounded due to the weather. Things started off nicely until he had brought out drinks, we each had drunk something and he began to change. He was irritable and demanding that I do things I wasn’t comfortable with, when I told him know he hit me with the back of the bottle of UV. All this happened while Ricardo was in the bathroom when he came out and saw me on the ground he grabbed a lamp and struck him down. We left together just as quickly as we came and though the rain disguised my tears he saw through that and held me close. That was something that even drugs couldn’t erase and I was thankful for that. Collectively all these things were my Memories in the Rain.

As we gathered are things I walked in between Elisea and Ramen towards the Costco soaking wet and looking at the car.

    “Man Elisea you forgot to roll up your window!” Ramen said hurrying to his car.

    “My leather seats ruined!” Elisea grabbed a tampon out of her purse and through it on the seat. “There, problem solved. It’s super absorbent so it should remove the water also that will be a dollar for the tampon.” She smiled and joked around rushing into the car.

    “Elisea you’re a piece of work, but you’re my piece of work.” Ramen smiled and got in. This was their friendship awkward and beautiful but it was definitely theirs. I looked around to enjoy the setting and absorb it all in. As I turned around I saw Ricardo with that same Puerto Rican guy I had helped move in. They were holding hands and happy, and I was too in a different way.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - HEy readers, just to let you know if you are wondering who the hell is Ramen you should Read Kiss me Again you will find out from that story. Also i am working on the final three chapters, and i frequently lengthen chapters. the next 3 should be ou this week. Please leave feed back and rate.