Spock tried, too

Refocus

The new captain's ready room felt foreign to Spock. Not that he ever intended to command a starship. It brought him great displeasure to steal the Enterprise after activating his star fleet commission. He sat down in his chair looking over toward a picture of Decker with his parents in the background appearing to be youthful. His heart ached. Spock and Jim could have conceived a child after the surgery. The surgery that was planned after the second five year mission to give him a synthetic womb. What they could have done during the refit . . . They had planned together their future. A future that would never come to be. Spock slammed the photograph down on the desk laying flat with its support part sticking up. Spock turned the closed photograph away from his direction. Spock turned the chair away from the desk.

Spock rubbed his forehead feeling immense, heavy grief.

Three years under going Kolinahr had done nothing for Spock.

"La'tusa nash-veh na' k'du," Spock said, softly to himself in Vulcan.

Why does it hurt so much?, Spock thought, then he added to himself, Because it was real.

Tears rolled down the Vulcan's green cheeks. He leaned forward placing his hands onto his face as he wept. His shoulders rolled up and down. He took pauses in between his weeping allowing himself to emotionally handle the emotions without killing himself because of it. Emotions were Vulcan's worse enemy in the end. Bendii Syndrome was a rare neurological disorder that was inflicted to Vulcan elders beyond the age of two hundred. It only struck a minority of the elder Vulcans. Spock mathematically weeped. He lowered his hands down and straightened himself wiping a tear off his face. He turned back in the direction of the desk.

Through the doorway came Xon.

"Captain," Xon said.

"Lieutenant," Spock said.

"Permission to speak freely?" Xon asked.

"Permission granted," Spock said.

"Is there someone at Hellgaurd that concerns you?" Xon asked. "To risk being dishonorably discharged for stealing your ship?"

"There is," Spock said. "someone I was once close to."

"Doctor McCoy," Xon deduced.

Spock tilted his head slightly.

"Negative," Spock said. He straightened his head. "my brother."

"Mr Sybok?" Xon said. "I am familiar to him."

"Most Vulcans," Spock said.

"You do not understand," Xon said. "I met him once after a protest. A traumatic one. I met them at different times."

"Intriging," Spock said. "what else do you know of Doctor McCoy?" Spock gestured the young man in.

Xon approached the desk.

"Last I heard, he and his assistant Mr Mallard were taking care of a Klingon troop near the neutral zone," Xon said. "There had been a internal fight between the houses that was resolved." He tilted his head. "But I find it not at all troubling that he is there. Did you hear of the stories where he delivered Gorn triplets in a conflict zone a few months ago? My father met him personally at the conflict zone two months ago."

"Sit down," Spock said. "and tell me, what other conflict zones has the doctor been going illegally into?"

"The Dineo-Beharian, The Loche-Gangorian, The Romulan-Klingon Conflict Zone--resolved, peacefully--, The Lacciev-Hondurian, Gangorian-Hondurian, The Gangorian-Romulan, The Gangorian-Hondurian, Hondurian-Thermian, and if you would like to see the evidence I recommend you look up Medical Privatize Corps NewsWatch," Xon said. "He is in all of the videos. Can't miss him."

Spock jotted down on the flat screen.

The computer screen changed to a moving picture where McCoy was seen taking care of a patient at the left hand corner of the room with a growing stubble on his chin. He saw the stardate indicate that it was shortly after the five year mission had concluded, sometime afterwards, with his knitted bull horn eyebrows hunched forward in the direction of the patient with a ant like head except no antennas. He muted the sound from the device and saw McCoy in the background. He was handed a dermal regenerator by a nurse. It appeared as though they were not on a starship but on a ground based location. Star Fleet did not have wars but there were areas of conflicts where some species had. Small, but relatively minor that were considered protests by humans. Spock was somewhat familiar to the species but mostly the fish headed Gangorian conflicts. The Gangorians had a safe, wet environment. It was perpetually wet and hardly dried but they had policies regarding their flowers and other plant life being exchanged through the quadrant.