i worry too much. and i'm in this place where so much is going right, but i can't seem to shake that feeling. that pit in my stomach that something's going to go wrong.
i worry that i'll lose my favorite people. i worry that i love them more than they love me. i worry that i can never live up to them. because my best friend is the actual embodiment of light and she's so wonderful and talented and GOOD and sometimes i feel like i don't deserve her. and all of my friends are so beautiful and kind and talented and good. and they're more outgoing than me and they don't get so scared of doing things wrong that they have to ask four times to make sure they heard right. and it's become a joke, that maybe i just have bad hearing. but sometimes i think i just automatically say 'what' because i'm worried to screw up. i don't want to mess up. and so i make people repeat themselves. and i worry that that's frustrating. and my wonderful best friend doesn't mind but i worry, because some people do. and what if i go off to college and everyone i meet MINDS. what if everyone hates me.
i worry that i've missed out on too much. i don't regret not drinking or not smoking. those have never been things i've wanted to do. but i worry that i missed out on getting to know people i could've been great friends with. i worry that i've missed out because i'm 17 and i haven't kissed anyone and i know that means nothing but STILL. i worry that i didn't get a childhood because i grew up too soon.
i worry about silly things. i worry that i don't read as many books as i used to. i worry that i don't get to see my family as much as i want to. i worry because i watch too much netflix and should focus on school more. i worry that i won't get to accomplish everything i want to before high school ends.
i worry that i've put too much pressure on the future. because i want to have a perfect prom, and kiss a boy. maybe a specific boy, maybe not. at this point i just want to know what it's like to feel like someone likes me like that. and i want to blossom in college but i'm scared my anxiety will get in the way of that.
i worry that i've let the important things fade to the background. and i don't want to let that happen anymore. i want to live without those worries. but i'm not totally sure how.
