i want to be a completely new person in college, but not really.
i kinda just want to be sydney 2.0. i don't really know how, but i want to be more outgoing, more positive, more capable of holding conversations with people. and to be honest, that's not me. so that is like being a totally new person. but at the same time, i don't want to lose myself.
i don't want to lose my faith, and the way it has kept me and my entire family ALIVE up until this point.
i don't want to lose my goofy sense of humor. yes, i get it, weird sexual jokes and stuff you'd find in a cards against humanity deck are hilarious. but also, like, so's that video the girls dancing with their legs in sweatshirts. so are those random vines that get me every time. laughter is contagious, and i kinda like laughter more when it's pure like that. i don't want my personality to get so warped that i don't laugh at that stupid stuff anymore. i like that 3 am, 'what the heck is this' kind of laughter.
i don't want to lose the optimism that i have, but i want to gain more. and i hope that my best friend (mip) knows how much she inspires me to be a more positive, outgoing person.
i don't know how she does it. she's so sunshiney and kind and so pure, and she makes everyone around her feel worthy and good and beautiful and i want to have that same effect on people. i wish she could teach me her ways.
(to be honest i think i just want to be her.)
but i'll settle for being me, 2.0.
that sounds wrong. messed up. really, i LOVe me. i've learned over the past year how to really love myself. a couple of years ago, i was all about preaching body positivity and that crap, but it wasn't really until this year that i started actually feeling it, like, in my bones. sure, it'd be great to look like a model, the perfect hourglass shape. but also, like... i just want to be healthy and happy. i just want to be able to go for a walk or be active, but not just for the sake of losing weight. i want to eat ice cream without feeling guilty. and this year is the first year that i've really been like, yeah screw it.
so here's my tummy, her name is stacy, she is out, and she is adorable. here's my thighs, they jiggle, but also like, who doesn't love a little jiggle? here's my weird nose that's a bit too big for my face. here's my weird smile with the disappearing upper lip, and my slightly stained tooth. they are all parts of me and i like me. yes, i want to keep improving me. but still.
i'm me, i'm improving, and i love it.
but i don't need to change in order to love me.
