I Should Have Been There

Johann walked slowly towards the canon room, feeling an invisible force fighting his every step. The news of Magnus's demise in Wonderland had spread quickly throughout the Bureau, and the first thought in Johann's mind was Avi. Killian had warned Johann to give Avi some space as she cradled an incoherent Carey in her arms, but Johann couldn't stay away. He cared too much about Avi to leave him to his thoughts.
Johann stopped a few feet away from the canon room entrance and dug his fingernails hard into his palms with uncertainty. Johann had never been keen on emotional interaction, hell, he didn't even know how to react to Magnus's death. How was he going to console Avi if he didn't know how to console himself? Maybe Killian was right, maybe he should just leave Avi to greave in peace. As Johann hesitantly turned back to where he came, he heard the startling sound of something pounding on glass.
With great haste, Johann ran into the room to find the source of the noise. Inside, only a few yards away, he saw Avi mercilessly beating on one of the glass cannonballs with an old crowbar. He shouted Avi's name in attempt to get his attention, but his voice was lost in all the commotion. Rushing forward, he reached out a hand to touch Avi's shoulder, only to be greeted with a shower of thick glass shards as Avi finally broke through the surface of the canon ball. Johann threw up his hands to protect his face and stumbled backwards clumsily. After a few moments, Johann peeked through the spaces of his fingers to look at Avi, who proceeded to drop the crowbar onto the glass-covered floor and stare at his handiwork in silence. Johann's throat was dry with fear, but with a painful swallow he managed to utter a whisper.
"Avi...?"
Silence. Avi didn't move a muscle. Johann lowered his defenses but stood frozen in his place. His heart was racing and his mind was full of confused thoughts, but most of all, his chest ached with worry for Avi. What should he say? What should he do? This was much worse than he thought. His cowardice told him to run and tell Lucretia, tell anyone that could help resolve the situation better than he could, but his feet stayed cemented to the floor. He cared for Avi. He loved Avi. And what kind of man would he be if he just left him in his most vulnerable state.
"Avi..." Johann spoke finally in a gentle tone. "Please... talk to me."
When those words hit Avi's ears, it didn't take long for his breaths to quicken and his shoulders to tremble. Avi tilted his head back with his eyes screwed shut and choked on the hardy sobs that began erupting from his throat. Johann's stomach lurched at the sight, and his mind screamed at him to step forward and help this poor soul, but he remained frozen in his place.
"It's all my fault..." Avi whimpered as tears streamed down his face and dripped off his chin.
"What?" Johann stuttered "No, no no, Avi, this isn't your-"
"IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" Avi finally turned to look at Johann, his face twisted in pain and his eyes swollen red. "I'm the one who sent him down there! It was me! I had a bad feeling all along, I knew something was wrong, but did I do anything? No! I sent Magnus to his death! I-I..." His words trailed off and were swallowed by agonizing sobs.
Johann felt sick, plagued with emotion he didn't know how to process. Oh how worthless he felt just staring at poor Avi with nothing to say, absolutely pathetic. Johann looked down in shame, and as he did, he noticed Avi's legs begin to buckle as he became weak from his crying. Almost instinctively, Johann lunged forward and grasped both of Avi's hands firmly in his, keeping him standing. Avi blinked hard in attempts to clear away his tears, but still found himself looking at Johann through bubbling pools. Johann's delicate hands were dwarfed by Avi's calloused grasp, but despite Johann's minimal stature, he was just what Avi needed to stay upright. Avi managed to calm his sobs to soft whimpers as he stared into Johann's worried gaze, and with a trembling breath, he whispered
"I should have been there..."
Johann tightened his grip on Avi's hands and let the words spill out of his mouth.
"Avi, this is not your fault. It was your job to send them down there. Magnus is... was... a Regulator, and that's the job he chose. He knew what he was getting into, Avi."
"That's just it," Avi breathed. "Johann, do you know what I do here? I shoot a canon for fucks sake. That's it. The Seekers gather information, the Regulators protect, the Reclaimers retrieve the relics, and what do I do? I send people to their deaths. I'm worthless..."
Johann shook his head sternly.
"Avi you know that isn't true. You're just as important as everyone else. If anything, I'm the worthless one here."
"Oh don't give me that shit, Johann," Avi chuckled sadly, "You make beautiful compositions every day to keep the Voidfish alive. The Bureau would crumble without you."
Johann's heart swelled with the compliment, but now wasn't the time to revel in his crush on Avi.
"If I was a Reclaimer," Avi continued as he stared at the floor between them, "I would have been with them. I would have been there with Magnus. Maybe... maybe I could have saved his life."
Avi's eyes closed after his emotional confession and he let his head hang in shame. Johann took this moment to study Avi's face. He glanced over his puffy eyelids, his lightly tanned skin that was damp from tears, his full lips that still quivered ever so slightly, his curly sideburns that were inspired from Magnus. Besides the Voidfish, Avi was the only person that Johann found himself truly caring for, and seeing him in such a broken state hurt him more than anything. He wished he could bring Magnus back, he wished things would all just go back to normal, but such a feat was impossible, and this was life in the Bureau now. For the first time in ages, Johann felt his own tears sting his eyes.
Giving up all notions of shyness, he took one step forward, closing the gap between them, and laid his head on Avi's chest. Avi blinked in surprise at the gesture. He never thought Johann to be the sentimental type, but times like these bring out the unexpected in people. Avi felt Johann's thin arms gently wrap around his barrel chest and squeeze tightly, the breastpocket of his jacket becoming slightly damp with Johann's silent tears.
"Avi..." muttered Johann, his melancholic voice cracking. "I don't want to live to see the day your name is fed to the Voidfish."
A fresh batch of tears began to flow from Avi's eyes. Without hesitation, Avi buried his face into Johann's shoulder and curled his arms around his slim frame. The two held each other as tightly as they could, and in this time of great pain and sorrow, comfort was found.