Perfect Species

3. Best Kept Secret

Dear diary,

I knew right from the start that this would end badly. Callie is a great person, but she can be so tactless sometimes...

She's probably suspicious about me, about my past and my emotions. It didn't take her a long time to catch on that I wasn't blind in the past. Most people think I've been blind since birth.

I mean, it would be completely okay, but the memories of that day keep coming back to me and attacking when I'm most vulnerable. Why can I never forget it?

I can still hear the shouts of my mother and sister. They'd never understand the psychological trauma, even though they were there at the time.

Callie understands.

She knows everything-she is one of the only people that understands emotion and pain. But she keeps trying to conceal the fact that she has feelings, and she hides it from other people. Why? The 'normal' people couldn't criticise or abuse her for having emotions. She can still perform tasks like any other.

Just when I begin to let my guard down around her, something like this happens. It's so unfair! Why can't I get close to people without being reminded of my trauma?

She probably hates me now.

No, that's not true. Granted, she did look hurt and upset when I shut her out, but I can't reveal my secrets just yet. She might turn on me and reveal everything to my classmates.

Although, I can't imagine her being that evil. Callie is a good person, I'm sure of it.

Which just makes things all the more painful when I shut her out. She's most likely confused; I must look like such a horrible friend now. I certainly feel like a horrible friend. I've never had a proper friend before. You're supposed to wholly and completely trust them, right? Trusting people is difficult in this day and age, though.

But she doesn't know that. She doesn't know anything about me and my blindness. How can I explain all of this to her? 'Hi, sorry I completely blanked you earlier, something you said reminded me of my past and I got sad?' No, I have to apologise properly and fast. Before I lose the one person that's willing to be nice to someone like me. How would I go about it?

The only option is to tell her everything. I'm not ready. Oh God, I'm not ready to tell her. To tell anyone. But the only options are to tell her or lose this new friendship. What should I do? I don't know how to talk to her anymore. I wouldn't even be able to find her, or see her. Callie never talks to me anymore, and if I tell her in class, someone might overhear. This has to be private, between us.

Class is nowhere near as fun now she's avoiding me. She's trying to give me space, I think. Space doesn't help when you're the loneliest person in the world. I need a friend. I need someone that cares.

I need her.