numb.

the first and last part to this non story

twelve twenty in the morning

i feel sad. all the time. and it isn't the kind of sad where i need to cry and be hugged. nor is it the kind of sad where i need a 'chin up princess' speech from a friend.

its the kind of sad that happens every minute of everyday. it consumes me and i worry that one day it will be too much. it makes my chest ache because i have a hard time remembering the last time i was truly happy.

it means that i put on a fake smile, and i tell everyone im okay. not that anybody ever asks, but if they do in a fill-the-awkward-silence kind of way, i reply with the standard 'im good, how are you?'. my best friend asks me how im doing, sometimes, but i can never bring myself to tell her how im really doing. she wouldnt understand. she gets sad sometimes, too, but its one of those things where i cant really sum up how im feeling in three sentences and she doesnt understand that i wouldnt want a fucking paragraph on how im loved.

on the subject of friends, im losing the only ones i have. im pretty sure that some of them dont actually like me, they just like my friends and therefore must like me by association, but at the moment i cant really work out if people are choosing not to speak to me, or if they arent talking to me because im disconnecting myself.

i dont mean to disconnect myself. it just happens. i dont want to burden anybody and i dont want people to feel dragged down by my moods, so while i do try and give a happy atmosphere it still worries me.

another issue that always have been a problem for me; i always feel insecure. self conscious. my hair isnt styled right. my skin is too spotty. my arms are too big. my tummy is too pudgy. my thighs are massive. the list is endless.

sometimes, i want to die. i say sometimes, but i think i want to die everyday. id never kill myself- i couldnt do that to people. and i wouldnt want people who never even glanced at me to suddenly be saying how they wish theyd known me better because i was such a special person. thats a big fear of mine. up until a few years ago, i never understood the phrase 'nobody cares unless youre pretty or dying'. i thought, of course people will care regardless. but i completely understand. people really value looks nowadays, and if youre dying or dead then people like to play victim and talk to you so they can tell others about how much your misfortune is affecting them.

i wish i was pretty. because sometimes i wonder, how much differently would people treat me? would i still be ignored in lessons? i hope you understand what i mean. appearance is such a big factor in the world today. i wish it wasnt.

i dont know why im writing this, truth be told. perhaps im hoping that somebody will read this and understand what i mean, and how i feel.

perhaps im just writing this to get it off my chest.

to sum it up, i feel sad. but more precisely, i feel numb.

ive been like this for about three years. it isnt getting better like people promised it would.

it is now twelve fourty five in the morning.