summer loving

chapter 2

chapter 2

There can never be silence in a train. The sound of the wheels on the track are a constant reminder of where you are. Conversations from all the compartments hang in the air. Vendors announce the contents the cart and people noisily open and close the doors of the carriage as they make their way to and from the restroom.

I hadn't travelled by train for a few years now and I had forgotten how it felt. My backpack acted as my pillow because I was scared of it getting stolen. The blanket provided covered my face and my sneaker clad feet stuck out of the bottom, hoping to disillusion people that I was a man. Traveling by a train is not the safest and being in a compartment full of adolescent girls made me nervous.

As I lay awake listening to music, I felt the urgent need to use the restroom. I knew I shouldn't have had that bottle of Mountain Dew with my dinner. I looked at the time on my phone - 2:37 am. I was filled with fear but I knew that I had to go.

Slowly descending the ladder, I made my way down the corridor with my head held low. I entered the little bathroom and once I was at ease, I looked at myself in the mirror.

My dark hair was greasy after a long day of travel and my ponytail was loose with a few strands of hair covering my face. I pushed them behind my ear and looked at myself clearly. My dark eyes were tired and my lips were chapped. My acne scars stared at me and made me want to look away.

My face was in no way beautiful, it wasn't even pretty. My cheeks were too rounds, my eyes too small, my lips not plump enough and my nose too upturned. My insecurities took over my life. They made me scared to meet people. I worried that people would look at me and walk away, repulsed by what they saw. My insecurities made the quiet person I am today, the one who lives in the shadows, hoping that they would hide her face.

I splashed water on myself, hoping that somehow all my imperfections would wash away and when I looked up and saw that they were still there, I washed my face again. And again. And again until I couldn't make out the difference between the water and my tears.

My eyes were bloodshot and I was glad that everyone was asleep and I could just go back to my berth and pretend that this didn't happen. I unlocked the door to the bathroom and when I stepped out, I noticed that the door to the train was open and someone was leaning against the frame.

Hearing me unlatch the door, the person turned around and I saw the face that made me feel a certain warmth in my body that I had never felt before. There was something about him, about his smile that made me feel sensations I couldn't even begin to describe. I had known him for less than twelve hours and not spoken more than five sentences to him but just being in his presence made my spirit soar.

Remembering that my eyes and nose were red and that I had a lone tear running down my face I quickly looked away. The lighting the near the door was poor, the area illuminated by a small flickering tube light.

"Are you alright?"

His voice eliminated the noise of the train, the sound of the people praying in one compartment was instantly muted. It felt like he was the only person in the train, his words the only ones uttered in the world. It was such a simple question but it felt intense, almost heavy.

"Yeah," I replied my voice thick with tears.

"Sure. I'm not stupid. I don't expect you to tell me whatever is bothering you, but don't lie about it. To me or to yourself." As he said this, he brushed his hand through his hair and let out a sigh.

In my seventeen years of life, I had never told anyone that I wasn't okay. Whenever I was asked if something was wrong I brushed it off and laughed. What would I tell them? That I felt like I was nothing? That I had not accomplished in my life? That nobody voluntarily loved me? Or would I tell them that sometimes, when everyone was asleep and the world around me was silent, I wondered if my life was worth anything?