19 days after
The rest of the week passed by without any knowledge on my part of what happened. I knew that I woke up every morning. I knew that I got dressed without a care as to what I was wearing. I knew I brushed my teeth and avoided food. I knew my dad drove me to school every day. I knew I sat in my classes. I knew my dad picked me up from school. I knew I went home and went to my bedroom. I knew I laid in my bed until I fell asleep. I knew the day faded away into night. And I knew when I woke up the next morning everything would be the same.
I knew that Alani tried without fail to talk to me every day, and I knew that I didn’t utter a word to her. I knew that Blain thought I would talk to him, and I knew he was wrong. I knew my teachers had stopped trying to get me to say anything in class, and I knew they would still pass me despite the fact that I did no homework, took no notes, and brought no supplies. No one was going to fail the girl whose brother dies 19 days ago.
I also knew that I caught Reed watching me more often than not. I had two classes with him, English Honors and Geography II, and in both classes I caught him scrutinizing me like he was trying to figure out some big secret I was hiding. I knew he had tried to talk to me one day after Geography. I knew that I had ignored him, just as I ignored everyone else.
By Friday, my dad had resigned himself to my silence. He didn’t ask me how my day had been, was no longer offended by my staring out the window in response. My mom still made no move to speak to me, rather going out of her way to avoid any interaction with me. She came home from work by 6:30 and made her way to Elias’s room, staying in there until my dad was able to coax her into eating something. He had taken to talking nonsensically to her, all in an effort to draw her out of the downward spiral she was dangerously close to encountering. It wasn’t until Saturday afternoon that I was the one forced to get out of bed at my dad’s request.
“Taegan,” he said, knocking on my door. I didn’t offer an answer. I had heard the doorbell, heard the accompanying knock on the front door. I was certain it was Alani – again. She still hadn’t gotten the hint from the ignored phone calls and texts that I didn’t want her around. She would want to understand, but she wouldn’t be able to. It would feel too much like old times, too much like when we would talk about how annoying Blain and Elias were. Now if she came by she would talk about Blain. And what was I supposed to say? She still had a brother. I didn’t. And I don’t think I can handle being around her when we were no longer the same.
When I didn’t respond to my dad, he invited himself into my room and hovered in the doorway. I was curled up under my covers, hoping he would assume I was asleep and leave. I used to lock my door in those first few days after, but my dad had long since removed the lock – against my will. He never told me why. I just came home after my first failed day attempting school and it was gone.
“Taegan,” he said again, loudly. “I know you’re not asleep.”
I rolled onto my left side to face him and looked him over through half-lidded eyes. He looked how he sounded – weary, resigned. He looked like my thoughts sounded. I didn’t voice any of this, rather waited for him to say why he was there.
“You have company downstairs,” he said, placing a hand on my doorknob like he needed it for support.
“I don’t want company,” I answered, rolling over and presenting my back to him once again.
“Downstairs. Living room. Now, Taegan,” he said. I could hear the frustration in his words and it made my own irritation flare up. I flung off my blankets and sat up, glaring over my shoulder.
“I don’t –” I started before looking closely at him.
Everything about him was tired. His posture was more stooped than before, his beard was scruffy and unshaven, his hair a little more disheveled and unkempt than usual. His face was drawn, and in that moment, I realized that while my dad was the one keeping my mom and me moving forward, he was barely holding it together himself. He didn’t deserve my anger.
