HOW COULD THIS BE

He didn't make it

DAMN! how could this be. Why didn't he make it? Was he hurt that bad? Was his heart not strong enough? No once can ever tell me they know what my pain was. I felt;

Lost

Hurt

Confused

Looking for the person to blame for this to blame for all this pain that they are puting me and my family through. Things just shouldn't have to be this way i couldn't help but feel that some way that this was my faut. Something told me to that i should have asked him if he wanted to go to the movies with me. Being his favorite cousin in-all he could never tell me no and i can't lie it was the same for me too. Now look where that has gotten him laying on a table breathless, life less while we tell ourselfs that this still could not be true.

I just couldnlt have myself walk past the sliding doors of the emergency room my body just wasn't capable of doing it. With so much pain that was going on in my heart i could barely stand. My knees hit the cement. My heart was in too much pain to even care if i had marks on them. Rocking back and forth in my sorrows. Tears filled my eyes just as qickly as it hit my cheek. I kept asking m self why him? Why my cousin? i just spoke to him everything was ok. He was ok. I just talked to him there is no way that he be gone that quick.

We just got off the phone there was so much joy in his voice, so much life in every word as he spoke. he voice of a boy who was looking foward to seeing toward tomorrow. With plans on seeing a  future for himself was cut short by a bullet that stop his heart.

What could i do?

There was nothing for me to do but be on on my knees and cry; cry untill the pain would stop, crying untill the truth became a lie in my head, that we would all be happy that he would be able to see another day. NO! we would be excited with the knowledge of knowing that he was not shot and our family would not have to endure this pain. I felt bad i didnt want to speak to anyone in my family. I kept to myself in my room and would just think. I couldn't cope that my favorite little cosuin who i saw as a brother or as my "little big brother" as he would always say would not be around any more.

My mom knocked on my door and aked if i was hungry. I told her i was not in much of a mood to eat; she reminded me that i needed to eat i cant stay strong or get through this tough time if I was not able to take care of myself. I knew she was right and i eventually would eat but today just was not that day for me or maybe not even tomorrow there was too much on my mind too much pain for me to even think about food and about taking care of myself.

Its been a couple of days since to tragic inncident of jay loosing his life. Then again how much of a accident could it have been. The person who was responsible for this knew excatly what they were doing. The knew knew what they were doing when he decided to carry a gun and knew excatly what he was doing when he aimed and pulled that triger he had the intention on ending a life; and that life was Jay's a fourteen year old boy at the wrong place at the wrong time.

My thoughts were interupted by a knock on my door. I was in no mood to get up to see who it was or even ask. I knew that if i didn't atleast give some type of answer that i was ok or still up i would only make them worry, but the truth is that i wasn't ok. How can i be ok, who would be ok i just lost someone who was like a brother to me which goes beyond the love of what a cosuin can give.

My body was still laying on my bed I tired to get up and make it to my door but it just didn't seem possible at the moment. Finally I forcd mself out of the bed and made my way towards the door i was hoping that by time i answered it that no one would be ther but infourtniatly that just wasn't the case for me.